To Rekindle a Relationship, Managing Memory Is Crucial

It’s not uncommon for people to split up and then get back together again, at least for a while. But before taking action and reuniting, former couples need to ask themselves why they want to get back together.

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Sometimes, we rekindle a former relationship primarily because of sex deprivation.¹ Other times, the primary motivation is acute loneliness or a strong longing just to see the other person. Still other times, we may feel that what defined us before the breakup is suddenly gone and our identity is uncertain.

But none of these motivations will sustain a renewed relationship. In fact, a sense of lost identity may lead to personal instability if the relationship starts again.

This post focuses on renewed romantic relationships motivated by a genuine desire to rekindle the relationship and keep the flame going.

With this genuine desire, we must first acknowledge that rekindling is not the same as beginning a new relationship. And the main difference is that each person has memories of what happened the first time—divisive memories as well as bonding memories.

One key to deciding about reuniting and making things work the second time is how we manage and interpret these memories of the first time. Another key is acting on the memories with real change in ourselves and in the relationship.

Managing Shared Memory When Rekindling a Romance

Balanced Recall. Memory can idealize and memory can vilify. If we are missing someone, memory will select idealized positive images. If we are feeling angry, memory will select images that support this anger.

But we do not want to selectively remember only the good times or only the struggles. To achieve a representative sampling of memory, we need to welcome favorable memories as well as unpleasant memories, the highlights and the lowlights. And that takes effort.

To balance recall, choose one consequential event that reminds you why the romantic relationship ended. Put yourself back in that place and time by focusing on specific images or feelings. Then let that memory lead to related memories. Next, do the same with a consequential event that felt supportive and loving. Continue this memory exercise with different consequential memories until you feel a sense of comprehensiveness.

There's no objective or logical conclusion to the exercise, but after engaging in balanced recall, memory for the relationship will be more representative, and emotional impressions will be more clear.

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The Experiencing Self and the Remembering Self. We have an experiencing self that feels events in the present and a remembering self that looks back and considers the memories of these events. Notably, we experience events consistently and fully throughout, but we remember events primarily in terms of how they end.²

If we take a delightful one-week vacation, but the last full day is especially frustrating and unpleasant, our memory will deemphasize the delightful first six days and highlight the aversive ending, letting it cast its image over the entire vacation. But the end of the story is not the story.

To evaluate the potential for reuniting with an ex, we need to consider the former relationship as a whole, which means accessing not only our remembering self, with its focus on endings, but our experiencing self as well. This starts by sampling and recalling specific events throughout the relationship.

I am not suggesting that we diminish or deny the breakup itself. Rather, I am recommending more thorough and accurate memory of the trajectory of the relationship. Relationships are full of middles. Recalling and highlighting the events in the middle will allow us to appreciate the entire arc of experiences, addressing significant unpleasantness and significant joys, and some of the times in between.

Using Memories to Make Meaningful Changes

Deep romantic feelings are wonderful, but they are not sufficient for rekindling a relationship. It is necessary to commit to resolving the problems that brought about the breakup.

Each couple needs to clarify what led to their breakup and discuss the changes that will keep those reasons from cropping up again. Proactivity is called for—not optimism or pessimism. We should remember the breakup collaboratively and honestly.

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We also need to trust our former selves. There were reasons we broke up, which means reuniting will not work without a commitment to making changes. And the changes should be focused.

If the breakup came about from financial difficulties, new finances must be mapped out, possibly with more dedicated income and a comfortably tighter budget. With substance abuse, the abuse must end—with a commitment to sobriety and consideration of a tailored therapeutic program. If there’s a consensus that too much time with work led to a breakdown of togetherness and intimacy, then clear, tangible reductions in work need to be specified. If it’s agreed that one person was too preoccupied with work, then their devotion to work must be moderated—possibly along with an adjustment of expectations by the other person.

Source: Viktoria Slowikowska

Moving Ahead: Using Memory to Nurture a Renewed Relationship

Forming New Collective Memories. Just as personal episodic memories define individual selves, shared memories define a relationship, reminding us what we mean to each other. Adding new mutual memories will strengthen a rekindled relationship and encourage it to grow.

Memory is connected to and distinguished by place, so going different places together will form new vivid memories that endure. Travel especially encourages new memories, and it need not be extensive. Day trips, visits to unfamiliar neighborhoods in one’s town, or a break in geographic routine can provide distinctive place cues for new shared memories.

Collaborative Remembering. Noteworthy long-term memories experienced by both partners are referred to as relationship-defining memories. An extensive meta-analysis of couples showed that agreement on these relationship-defining memories is positively related to measures of relationship quality and negatively related to splitting up.

The same applies to relationship re-defining memories.

Recalling Good Times and Laughter. A substantial study of married couples showed that thinking about vivid, positive, and emotional memories significantly correlates with higher marital satisfaction. In particular, recalling events when we laughed hard with our partner increases relationship satisfaction more than any other type of happy event.

This elevated relationship satisfaction connects directly to the research on laughter itself, which creates considerable physical and emotional benefits. By recalling a time of uncontrollable laughter with our partner, we bring back a primary memory of that uninhibited time, retrieving, and reliving the sights, sounds, and joyful emotions.

Preparing for Conflict. When my family-therapist spouse was once asked the secret to our long marriage, her answer was neither romantic nor cliché. She said our secret was that we were very good at conflict resolution.

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The same goes for rekindled relationships. Reunited couples will enjoy their renewed intimacy, but they will also experience conflict. When new conflicts arise, couples need to be open to addressing and resolving them.

Closing Words

Of the people who divorce and then remarry each other, 70 percent stay remarried, which is more than twice the percentage for second marriages in general. Renewing relationships can work, depending on the motivations, the memories, and the commitment and effort to change. It's difficult for all of these factors to come together successfully, but not impossible.

One guiding theme is this: When we begin rekindling a relationship, what broke us up still remains, but what brought us together also still remains.