How To Navigate Thanksgiving Stress Without Losing Your Mind

Thanksgiving is swiftly approaching, and for many people, it’s not a joyous occasion but rather a stressful one. There are logistical stressors—travel, dinner prep—but also emotional ones, such as strained family relationships and heated debates about politics and world events. You can’t control what other people say or do, but you can control your responses and how you carry yourself in stressful circumstances.

A friend or family member may say something you disagree with, and your first impulse might be to persuade, convince, or argue with them. Such disagreements are common forms of family conflict that often arise for many during the holidays. But as you enter the holiday season, get clear on what you want to experience this holiday—for example, less conflict, peace, or connection—and what will help you achieve that? Disagreements and conflicts can happen even if you try to avoid them, so your focus should be on how they are addressed when they do occur. Trying to convince your aunt she’s wrong or defending your position about a charged topic doesn’t usually lead to peace and connection, for example.

This isn’t to say all conflict is “bad” or that it should be avoided, but recognize there’s a time and a place for everything, and Thanksgiving dinner may not be the time. You can try talking to the person or people you disagree with later, but consider that if you’re interested in preserving the relationship, a heated debate can do more harm than good. Finding some common ground, if and when possible, can defuse tension and conflict, increase empathy, and lay the groundwork for more constructive interactions, even if they don’t happen right away.

Don’t Let Social Media Aggravate Your Emotions

We’re living in a time when many people are strongly entrenched in their viewpoints. Social media creates an echo chamber and cognitive bias by feeding us perspectives that confirm our thinking. That means your aunt may try to bolster her argument by referring you to a Substack or TikTok channel that further validates her perspective. It can feel maddening, like you’re dealing with someone living in another reality, because her set of facts isn’t yours. You might turn to social media to vent, but that usually makes things worse.

On a societal level, many of us have become accustomed to regulating our negative “affect” via social media. “Affect” refers to the broad, generally unconscious experience of an internal feeling or state before it is consciously registered. Affect manifests in our outward expression of emotions and feelings, reflected in our nonverbal and verbal behaviors.

The immediate emotional gratification provided by social media networks (e.g., receiving likes, comments, and views) and the ease with which these online platforms can be accessed contribute to their appeal as emotional regulation tools, but using social media in this way can result in a vicious cycle that makes it more difficult to regulate emotions, according to research.¹

It can feel easy and gratifying to vent on social media about how your cousin is completely off the mark, but that may only fan the flame of your indignation. Online interactions can negatively influence our perceptions of family conflict and increase emotional tension. It can also interfere with processing the underlying conflicts or wounds associated with these issues, making it harder for you to regulate your emotions and make healthier choices. For instance, doomscrolling may prevent you from accessing your grief that someone you love doesn’t share your perspective on a politician, or from consciously facing how you will relate to a family member who makes mean and disparaging remarks about a group you identify with, such as immigrants.

Turn Toward What You Want to Experience With Emotional Awareness

If you’d rather protect your peace during Thanksgiving, and you don’t want a conversation to turn into a family conflict, then introspection, self-reflection, and attunement are powerful tools. Attunement is the act of “tuning in” to what’s occurring internally and externally. It’s listening and aligning with an inner state in yourself and others. Attunement creates space for you to look at your situation and accept its reality rather than what you wished for or imagined. Attunement allows what is present in yourself and others to be seen and met without trying to fix, change, or control it.

This can be incredibly difficult because we all want to be the “master of our fate,” but many situations are beyond our control, including other people. While we can set boundaries about how we want to be treated or the conversations we’re willing to have at Thanksgiving, if we’re truly interested in emotional regulation, our best bet is attunement.² In contrast to setting boundaries, for example, attunement refers to a flexible and fluid process that one can influence.

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Attunement starts with getting curious about your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Where are they coming from, and what are they trying to tell you? That emotional awareness can guide you in regulating your feelings more effectively and in responding accordingly. For instance, this information may mean going for a walk when the house gets too chaotic.

Practicing attunement with yourself allows you to notice your patterns and respond less reactively. For example, you might notice how you set yourself up for disappointment by asserting boundaries that experience has repeatedly shown will not be respected. Alternatively, you may get in touch with grief as you confront the reality that no, you can’t change someone’s perspective or behavior through reason, listening, care, and love.

Practicing attunement towards others also allows you to recognize the ways they relate. You may notice how often your uncle interrupts others when discussing certain topics, perhaps signaling an area of conflict or anxiety. When you act with attunement—by tuning into your own experience and the experience of others—you can use that awareness to respond more flexibly, supporting emotional regulation for all involved. This is the essence of cultivating a dynamic, responsive, and relational process that psychologists refer to as “co-regulation.”

Introspection, self-reflection, and emotional attunement can help you identify what you and others want and need. As a dynamic process, attunement advocates for a differentiated, attuned response rather than prescribing a “right” or “wrong” response. An attuned response varies and can involve stating that certain topics are not open to discussion and stepping away if the conversation continues in that direction, or, in contrast, deciding to listen with openness as your daughter expresses a different perspective and validating the strength of her feelings—even if you don’t share the same view.

Introspection, self-reflection, and attunement can help you be present with your feelings and fantasies about how Thanksgiving “should” be or “should” feel when they do not match reality.

Through these experiences, your Thanksgiving will have less stress and family conflict because you’re attuning to what is, not what could be. Being present is what allows you to experience joy and gratitude, which are what we often associate with this holiday.