6 Ways to Reset a Relationship

Source: Werner Heiber / Pixabay

If you feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut, you are not alone. According to Talker Research, a quarter of Americans are in a “relationship rut.” While the study was not a large one (2,000 survey responses), this also reflects my experience as a psychologist. Many of the couples I treat describe feeling as if they are roommates, or even worse.

Specific indicators from the study include fewer romantic gestures or moments (50 percent); less passionate, routine sex (46 percent); and a lack of conversation (41 percent). Fortunately, in my experience, many of these concerns can be addressed by being intentional about a reset. These are six things I recommend that often help couples reconnect:

1. Prioritize each other. This may sound obvious, but it is surprisingly easy to forget in the day-to-day bustle. It is important to “see” each other in the relationship. This means taking the time to put your phone away and making eye contact at dinner. It means choosing each other over work (when possible) and other commitments. The message needs to be “I choose you," no matter what might get in the way. And when something does get in the way, acknowledge this and try to do better the next time.
2. Schedule a weekly check-in. Especially if you are not in couple's counseling, it is important to set dedicated time each week to do a sort of “state of the relationship.” It is important to be relaxed and open in these meetings, so they do not become stressful for either party. These weekly check-ins have been crucial for a number of the couples I have treated over the years.
3. Overcommunicate. There is no better way to feel disconnected than to reduce communication. This leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and relationship indifference or anxiety. Fortunately, the opposite holds true as well. Be sure to ask about each other’s day. Share fun or even difficult stories from the day. This will help to build empathy and to give each partner an important glimpse into what they are doing each day and what their current life experiences are when they are not together.
4. Create a culture of gratitude. Everyone likes to be seen and appreciated for what they do. Couples that are disconnected stop noticing what their partners are doing or stop expressing gratitude for it. Sometimes, it becomes a contest to expose who is underperforming in the relationship. This never ends well. Instead, notice and comment on every little thing your partner does. This will actually help them to do more since they feel noticed. And if you are the underperformer, be honest with yourself and commit to stepping up.
5. The power of touch. Physical touch is important for maintaining the connection and bond in a relationship. Touch releases the "love hormone" oxytocin, which can reduce stress and anxiety by lowering cortisol, "the stress hormone." It can also promote a sense of safety, which is good for feeling safe in a relationship (Young Kuchenbecker et al., 2021).
6. Have fun together! Again, this should be second nature in a relationship, but rarely is, especially for couples that are struggling. Let’s face it, life is difficult, and sometimes we feel like we are drowning in chores, bills, worries, and responsibilities. I get it. However, we all need to have a little fun along the way, and there is no one better to share this joy with than your chosen partner.

The final thought is about repair. Groundbreaking couples’ counselors John and Julie Gottman stress that repair is crucial for long-term relationship success. I can predict that you will fall short on the six recommendations above from time to time. We all do. This is expected and normal. It is important to stay the course and repair when there is a disruption in the relationship. This could be an apology, a loving gesture, or recommitting to the reset by showing up each and every day for one another.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Facebook image: Inside Creative House/Shutterstock