Understanding the Calamities of Childhood

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Unfortunately, a lot can go wrong in a child’s development. In the field of child psychology, we call them adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Some ACEs include natural disasters, loss of a loved one, housing instability, and the list goes on. These events can contribute to childhood trauma and may be a risk factor for mental and physical health concerns later in life.

On the other hand, a lot can go right in childhood if the child is brought up in a loving and consistent household and without unexpected negative events. Even in these households, there are many challenges to overcome, however.

This post is about the difficulties that every child must experience. They are known as the calamities of childhood and were conceived of by the American psychoanalyst Charles Brenner, who built on the much earlier works of Freud. Let’s take a look at what they are before considering how they may impact you today.

• Loss of the object: Since the human infant is helpless, the biggest fear in infancy is abandonment. This would mean certain death for the baby. This experience is made worse by the fact that the infant has not yet developed object permanence. In other words, if the caretaker leaves the presence of the baby, the caretaker ceases to exist.
• Loss of love: Children gradually become aware of the concept that caretakers can leave and still exist in the world. This process usually begins at around 4 to 7 months but continues well into the first year of life. At this point, children come to realize that there is a consistency to the caretaker’s visits and that they likely will not be abandoned. Trust will hopefully develop over the years to come. Instead of fear of losing the object, they begin to worry that their caretaker may cease to love them. This becomes pronounced when their caretaker shows anger or frustration around or at them.
• Loss of bodily integrity: It was said by Freud that the first ego is a “bodily ego.” Children are very aware at this age that they feel pleasure and pain. The worry is related to bodily injury and integrity.
• Loss of the superego’s love: This period concerns itself with loss of self-esteem and guilt. Children now have a sense of conscience. They know when they are doing something “wrong.” The superego can be harsh and critical or more supportive and loving. Either way, guilt occurs.

We carry these calamities into adulthood. Successfully overcoming them, along with a supportive environment in childhood, might be additive to how an adult sees the world. Sometimes these calamities leave remnants in adulthood.

Many therapists, particularly psychoanalysts, believe that the solution to these calamities (or lack thereof) can lead to conflicts in adult life. For example, a man may feel that his girlfriend will leave him if he does not please her in every way. Or a woman may experience excessive guilt for even the slightest sign of a moral infraction.

How to begin resolving these concerns

Many people seek therapy to help sort out early childhood conflicts. I have helped numerous patients do this work. The following may also assist you on your journey of self-exploration.

When you experience excessive guilt, fear of abandonment, or self-criticism, ask yourself what evidence you have for these feelings and whether the “punishment fits the crime.”

When you are overly anxious in a relationship with someone, remind yourself that they have been consistent with you thus far. If they have, then you have little cause to doubt them. If not, it may be crucial for you to set firm boundaries, as they could trigger already existing fears.

If you are critical of your body and do not feel masculine or feminine enough, please be kind to yourself. There may be deeper reasons why you are being so hard on yourself.

And if you are a parent, remember that consistency, patience, and calm reactions can go a long way in helping children to favorably resolve these experiences.

We all go through these calamities of childhood. It is a rite of passage for being human. Still, some of us fare better or worse through the process, and it can be helpful to consider the impact as you navigate your life.