The 5 R’s for Easing Back-to-School Stress

Any transition means stepping out of our comfort zone. Like the earth constantly in motion, kids and teens face a perpetually high rate of change—especially when back-to-school season comes around. While change is the path to the growth and goodness we seek, we all have a part of us that would simply rather stay comfortable.

Parents and kids alike need tools to navigate the stress and big emotions of a new school year, so they don't get in the way of our children's—or our own—ability to grow and enjoy each stage. For both parent and child, here is a mental health checklist for navigating back to school.

The 5 R’s for Navigating Back-to-School Stress

1. Regulate Yourself First

Our children borrow our nervous systems. When we're highly anxious about the new classroom, the social dynamics, the workload or whether our child will get time on the field, they can absorb some of that anxiety.

Seek your own support when you need it, find ways to ground yourself and be gentle with yourself. Your kids will feel your calm and gravitate towards that peaceful energy.

2. Reframe Stress

Not all stress is toxic. After all, the pressure of childbirth is what gives us new life. Challenges contain the potential for growth at their core.

Instead of, "This shouldn't be hard," try normalizing with, "This is hard because you're adjusting to something new."

Model a mindset that allows the ups and downs of a challenge to have a meaningful and positive place in life. The goal isn't to eliminate stress, but to help children build resilience and trust–in themselves and in the rhythm of life.

3. Resist the Urge to Fix

Allow your child to have their process and find their own solutions and discoveries. Don't rush to remove every discomfort.

We want children to gradually develop the internal message: "I can feel uncomfortable and still handle this."

Most of the time, they simply want us to listen, stay close and remind them that we're there and believe in them. When a problem does need solving, ask before jumping in: "Would you like me to just listen, or would you like some help thinking about what to do?"

4. Reinforce Their Inherent Worth

Beyond grades, athletic ability, popularity or looks, we want our children to know their inherent value.

Show them by spending time together in ways that join their interests. Express your unconditional love, how much you appreciate them and how grateful you are that they are your kids and in this world.

Compliment your child when they are demonstrating good values, like effort, compassion, being true to themselves, or a good friend. Highlighting their inner being will become especially important as children get older and performance and comparison grow more intense. We must do our best to help a child know their worth is impenetrable, especially when they face great disappointment, like from a bad grade, breaking up with a friend, sitting on the bench or not making a play.

5. Regulate Together

Your relationship is one of your child's greatest resources—as long as you approach them in a way that helps them feel safe and seen.

What co-regulation looks like will vary by age, but these basics can help:

• Be attuned. Look for signs of emotional distress in the basics: changes in sleep or eating, withdrawal, irritability, crying easily, headaches or stomach issues.
• Stay close. Spend quality time together in ways that join with their interests, and perhaps yours.
• Embrace routine. Especially with younger children, practice the school routine ahead of time and create predictable rhythms around mornings, meals and bedtime. Don't over-schedule during transitional times.
• Look underneath behavior. Instead of reacting immediately to irritability or misbehavior, get curious about what might be bothering them underneath.
• Listen. Don't rush or push solutions.
• Normalize feelings. Let children know that nervousness, overwhelm and sadness are normal parts of change; and that excitement and eagerness can run right alongside. When we resist the urge to fix their feelings they get the message that it's okay to honor them.
• Ask about their hopes and fears. Sharing both can make a child feel less alone and give you a window into what they're experiencing.
• Offer to brainstorm. When they're open to it, become a partner in troubleshooting rather than taking over the problem.
• Don't hesitate to seek counseling. If you sense your child needs extra mental health support, do not hesitate to reach out to a trusted counselor. This generation is psychologically sophisticated, and I often see teens doing the research themselves. Support them.

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not a life protected from change or discomfort. Rather, it's to be an example of what we gain when we embrace change while honoring our feelings along the way. As parents, this means owning our own fears and needs and "unblending" what belongs to us and what belongs to our children. Trusting the growth hidden within the stress of life's transitions creates more room—for ourselves and our children—to unleash the blessings change can bring.