Why Does It Feel So Hard to Find a Partner Now?

When I was 7 years old, I softly asked my parents for a pet tiger. After watching Aladdin, I was trying to emulate Jasmine. What I wanted more than my very own Raja, though, was that couple's love: the all-encompassing, best friend kind, where I'm sought after but still safe. I wasn't sure how to ask my parents for a handsome, romantic street rat, though, so I settled on a tiger.

Over half of American adults aged 18-34 don't have a significant other. And yet, the popularity of The Bachelor franchise alone indicates that the dream of finding "the one" is alive and thriving. Why is this? What is happening in our culture where people lust after the idea of a partner but increasingly live alone?

I asked historian Stephanie Coontz for her thoughts. In this riveting talk, she explains how 100 years ago, securing a spouse was simpler. Our predecessors married because he came from the right family, or she was a good homemaker. Now, we marry for love—for that intangible, fleeting, inspiring feeling. Finding someone who satisfies your economic, religious, family life, and emotional needs is wildly more complicated.

To add to that, our options have exponentially multiplied. Where we once looked to marry the people in our hometown, we now have access to thousands of potential matches at the touch of a smartphone. Which to choose? All the while, we are acutely aware that heartache is a possibility, a piercing vulnerability that could be avoided by not dating.

Still, Coontz argues that while our expectations have risen, we don't need to lower them. Instead, she has a different solution. In this fast-paced talk, we explore the strongest predictors of happiness in old age, why men mansplain, how our marriage script still pinches and pulls at modern-day relationships, if date night is actually a good thing, and how to form relationships that last moving forward.

I may not have found Aladdin, or Raja, unfortunately, but Stephanie Coontz gave me a spring of hope. She validated that dating is simply harder now than it ever has been, but that there are also greater rewards than there ever have been. With concrete tips, she starts to answer how we can deepen relationships—not just our romantic ones, but all the ones that bring us love.