4 Steps To Help Someone When They Don't Want It
Tips for Parents of Adult Children with Mental Illness
Posted Aug 31, 2016
When mental illness hits, it can hit hard. It hits the person who has it hard and it hits the family equally hard – though in very different ways.
One of the most common questions I get after my presentations and shows is ‘How can I help my loved one when they don’t think they need help to begin with?’ So common in fact I've written previous PT posts: How to Help Your Adult Child if They Have a Mental Illness and When Adult Children Don't Want Help. There are many reason for not wanting help. Denial, shame, anosognosia (lack of insight – a symptoms of psychosis itself).
Regardless of the reason, as a family member or friend, it can feel powerless. But there are steps you can take. Here are a few to help you help your loved one move forward on the journey to recovery and wellness.
1. Remember the journey to accept there is a problem to deal with is theirs alone. Though you can help prep the ground, by having discussions and listening with an open heart, by setting clear boundaries, by offering information when appropriate. For anyone who’s been in this position, you’re aware it takes more than one conversation. It takes many. It’s about voicing your concern with compassion. While at the same time it’s about setting boundaries for your own well-being, recognizing you are not responsible for their health and happiness. If you’re a parent of an adult child, this is one that is most heart breaking to learn and understand. Letting go, is tough even when the adult child is well and thriving. The video and resources of Dr. Komrad has some concrete suggestions.
2. Ask your loved one to humor you and go to see the doctor together. When family members ask me how to help their loved one, the issue has been going on for a quite some time. And in that time entrenched power struggles have developed and mistrust on both sides have been established.
3. Rebuild trust and rapport. Your adult son or daughter, brother or parent may continue to get angry when you suggest anything. The trick is for you to NOT get angry back. Easier said than done. But the goal is to have them be willing to see someone for a general check up. In that appointment have a mental health check up too. References from Dr. Xavier Amador below are excellent about how to listen without creating power struggles and rebuild trust essential for healing.
4. Evaluate whether you really are the best person to talk to your loved right now. Be honest. If conversations almost always end with tempers flying, another person who has his/her best interests at heart and can communicate more easily is a better option – at least for now
~ If you need help immediately, please search this list of crisis lines and centers and contact one of them right away.
~ This video from Dr. Mark Komrad has some good points. I wouldn’t watch the first part but from 49:30 minutes he describes when, how to talk to someone, some do’s and don’ts. Some of his approach is a little paternalistic, but I like the tips.
~ Dr. Komard's book: “You Need Help!: A Step-by-Step Plan to Convince a Loved One to Get Counseling” may be a helpful read. I can’t vouch for the info as I haven't read it yet, but it comes recommended.
~ His website is: www.komradmd.com He does evaluations, but the cost is extremely high. He also has an extensive book list.
~ Check Dr. Amador’s book and technique “I don’t need Help, I’m Not Sick”. He describes his LEAP (listen, empathize, agree, partner) approach.
~ This post gives a great summary of his LEAP program.
~ Check Dr. Amador's referrals page for clinicians who work with his method.
~ If you find these resources helpful and would like additional support and guidance, I offer mental health coaching sessions with a free initial consult for family and individuals.
~ My previous PT post list US support groups for family and friends as well as individuals living with mental illness (such as NAMI).
I hope these resources help. Let me know if they are or if you have your own that I haven't listed here.
© Victoria Maxwell