I Do This When December Feels Lonely

Source: Keith Misner / Unsplash

It’s that season. The holidays are here, and we are apparently meant to be merry. But for many of us—including yours truly—this isn’t the most wonderful time of the year.

Before you read on, I want to acknowledge this: I am privileged. My basic needs are met. I’m not living in a war zone. I have my health. Others are not so lucky. They are in dire situations. I’m not. I recognize my fortunate circumstances, and I carry deep gratitude for my life. Still, when December comes ringing, I carry a quiet melancholy with me too.

I’m not a Scrooge. It’s just that my childhood memories associated with Christmas are, well, less than festive. Besides my good ol’ run-of-the-mill mental illnesses, I also have seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I have to double down on not getting down by using my entire arsenal of wellness tools. And I’m still orienting to being divorced and living life out loud. It’s been four years since my divorce, but I was with my wuz-band for almost 25 years. It’s an adjustment.

That doesn’t mean I have to go to the bottom of a vat of eggnog and drown. No! There’s a lot I can do. I have agency, strength, and power. Even when parts of me tell me I don’t. I’m telling you this in case you feel alone, in case you feel the same way. I’ll share one of my top strategies to help me stay present with myself and my experience.

Ironically, the more I allow myself to feel and acknowledge what’s happening, the less awful I feel.

Social Connection Can Relieve Winter Anxiety, Depression, and Loneliness

My work entails working part-time at home, alone; performing one-person theatrical keynotes, alone; living alone, and I’m an only child. You can see a common theme. If I don’t stay on top of it, I can go days without leaving my apartment, and before I know it, I haven’t seen anyone IRL (in real life). Thought I would throw that in to sound cool. Did it work? The very fact I’m asking reflects that I am, most definitely, not cool. Back to my point.

The World Health Organization defines social connection as “the ways people relate to and interact with others.”¹

We Are Wired for Connection

It’s well known that we are wired for connection.² There is also robust evidence that social connection is associated with better mental and physical health outcomes across a person’s lifespan.³

I don’t have a formula. It varies from day to day, the amount and kind of contact I need. Some days, I don’t need any. I’m thriving in my cozy cocoon of a suite. On the flip side, I know as soon as I wake up that I need a meaningful connection. And most times, it’s in between. Sometimes all it takes is a smile from a familiar barista. On other occasions, I need a phone call with a close friend.

How Coffee Shops Lift Me Up

One of my go-to tactics is working in a café. Being around a bustling group of people can feel reassuring. It’s rare to find angry friends meeting for coffee and a pastry. The positive energy can lift me.

I don’t know these people personally; none of them would I call a friend. But simply being around others—even without talking or knowing them—can invite what Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön calls ‘unconditional friendliness’ ⁴ towards myself, softening my hard edges and slowing a downward swing.

Even walking around my block and giving a nod hello to a neighbour, or a short stroll on the beach for fresh air, making eye contact with a dog owner, and giving a sloppy, playful dog a quick pet can provide me with enough social connection.

Why does this—even this minimal contact—help? Because being among others affirms that I am part of life—and, as strange as it may sound, it reminds me that I exist.

What kind of connection helps you? When I discovered my distinct type, it empowered me, and that in itself is restorative.

© Victoria Maxwell