Try This When Perfectionism Rears Its Perfectly Ugly Head

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When I’m depressed, perfectionism rears its perfectly ugly head. Because I can never do things perfectly, this can result avoiding responsibilities. In turn, it makes me feel bad about myself even more, further fuelling my depression. It’s a negative feedback loop that perpetuates itself, perfectly.

Can any of you relate?

I found this definition of perfection somewhere: "Perfection is an ideal that is held or a perception we have that something or someone is free from flaws and faults."

Like beauty, perfection is in the eye of the beholder. It’s entirely subjective, although some would disagree. For example, there might be an objective measure of what a "perfect" airplane takeoff looks like or what constitutes a perfectly clean window. But those standards still have been subjectively chosen.

Herein lies the dangerous dilemma: We have a vision of perfection, but, practically speaking, perfection is impossible to attain, because our very nature as human beings is to be flawed. As humans, we are perfectly imperfect and always evolving, always a work in progress. Not to get too philosophical here, but if we’re always evolving then the state of being perfected can never happen.

Perfectionism

Yet when I’m depressed, I still fall under the cruel delusion that what I do and what I am must be flawless. Cue perfectionism. When I’m feeling my fine, balanced, and content self, perfectionism doesn’t come to the party. There’s no food for it to eat, so to speak. When I’m peaceful and calm, I’m not beating myself up. I’m not telling myself I’m not good enough. Perfectionism doesn’t have any friends to hang out with, so it doesn’t show up.

However, if I’m depressed, my itty-bitty-s-itty committee, my aggressive cadre of lawyers, tries every means possible to find fault with me and make me feel bad. Perfectionism is low-hanging fruit and is happy to join in on the tyrannical rant.

Perfection in and of itself isn’t ‘bad." However, the relentless pursuit of perfection and/or the unwavering dissatisfaction with anything less than perfect, is what is damaging and creates a propensity to anxiety and depression.

Perfectionism is the tendency to consistently set and strive towards excessively unrealistic goals, with a core belief that attaining anything less than that perfect standard is unacceptable. Yet since perfection is an ideal that's impossible to achieve, then, by default, I will always fail. Perfectionists, speaking from personal experience, also tend to internalize the experience of perceiving themselves as being a failure.

I see myself as a recovering perfectionist, with a heavy emphasis on the "ing" part. It’s an ongoing journey. Most days I feel unbound from the shackles of aiming for flawlessness. But some days I find myself in an old rut of feeling like my work, my words, and my behavior are never good enough.

In my peak of perfectionism, it fuelled intense feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-loathing and perpetuated high anxiety and severe clinical depression. If the things I do in life are never good enough, it can quickly translate into feeling that I am never good enough—if I’m not on my toes and staying aware.

Perfectionism thrives in black or white, either/or, all-or-nothing thinking. It’s either perfect or a disaster.

Embrace the Messy Middle

I’ve learned through counselling, positive self-talk, polyvagal theory, role models, loving friends, and supportive family members to live in the messy middle. The messy middle is that grey zone between perfection and failure.

The key to letting go of perfectionism is learning to tolerate the anxiety that comes with living in the messy middle. Preparing for the anxiety that inevitably will rise when I offer the world something I think is less than perfect has been my most effective tool in overcoming perfectionism.

It’s a skill I’ve had to learn. When I stop pursuing the unblemished ideal, I feel the anxiety that naturally rises and I witness it. I've learned to ‘be’ with the fear, and not act on it. I don't rush to fix what I think needs to be perfect. Instead I embody my mantra: Good enough really is good enough.

Perfectionism Essential Reads

Trapped by Perfection

Beyond Perfectionism: How to Build Sustainable Success

Paradoxically, my anxiety has lessened as my tolerance for it has increased. So too, my perfectionism has reduced as I've become more comfortable with the anxiety of letting go of perfectionism.

I practice now what I call ‘imperfectionism’. I purposefully stop the relentless editing of a blog post (this one, for instance); I quit endlessly tweaking the design of a handout or slide deck. I decide it's ok that I didn't say the most eloquent thing to my friend who was struggling.

I still fall into perfectionism. But now I celebrate that. Because practising imperfectionism means not doing things perfectly! It means that mistakes and setbacks are equally important stepping stones, as are our successes in this journey we call living.

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© Victoria Maxwell