Cultivating a Culture of Building Relationships

I hear it quite often from people entering a relationship that they believe that if their love is “true love,” they should be able to build a loving, trusting relationship naturally. That is, without the hard work required in the process of actually building their relationship. If the relationship needs work and conscious effort, then, they feel the relationship is not meant to be or to last. If a relationship needs work, this becomes evidence that they should not be in that relationship. Yet the more couples that I see in my practice and the longer I am with my husband, the more deeply convinced I am that the idea that a true love relationship should not require work is a tragic myth that we have in our culture.

I would like to reframe the mythological statement about “a true love relationship should not require a work” by suggesting a new framework:

Your relationship deserves attention, love, and care from both parties, and having issues in love relationship is an opportunity for growth and learning about one another.

I suggest this framework because the shape of committed, love relationships have changed gradually, though dramatically, over the last 50 years. And, although we still have the remnants of relationships defined by tradition and history, there are numerous trends, forces, and cultural movements that have reshaped how we experience relationship. Hence, we have very different roles and expectations towards being in relationship and toward our love partners.

'Rupture and Repair,' expansion of our relationship model

A central model of relationship dynamics since the 1950’s, until recently, was largely based on the “good enough mother” idea proposed by a British pediatrician and a psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott. This has not only created a healthy guidance for the caregiver-infant dyad, but can also be seen as a healthy model for the partner-partner dyad. After observing many mothers and their babies, Winnicott suggested that being imperfect, failing at certain caretaking tasks could allow an infant to experience the world on their own and this might strengthen the inner world of an infant.

The developmental and clinical psychologist Edward Tronick expanded the existing model by suggesting that successful repairing experience after failing to meet the infant’s needs not only turns helplessness and despair into the opposite, joy, and mastery, but also strengthens the bond between an infant and caregiver. This process is called “rupture and repair.” This takes Winnicott’s model to its logical conclusion: It is when we are imperfect, it is only when things go wrong (rupture) that we create an opportunity for repair—a repair that people work through together. The repair is critical; it is an essential foundational element to building relationships together.

Ruptures are powerful opportunities to strengthen relationships. If a rupture can be repaired, it demonstrates to each person that the relationship is solid enough to withstand when things get bad and even ugly. It sends the message that the relationship will survive problems. With this new framework, contemporary researchers and practicing therapists are able to see failures in love relationships as opportunities to grow and strengthen the bonds of intimacy.

Voices of repairing experience

“My number one tool for dealing with my partner was to blame, blame, and blame him,” says Stacy, now married to Joe for seven years and mother of two children. In my eyes, I was never the reason for conflict. Relationships were like revolving doors for me, and I was just about to end another one when my boyfriend suggested that we see a couples therapist. So we did. I learned a lot about myself in the process of being willing to work to repair, rather than discard, my relationship. One of the things that I learned was that I was lacking empathy. I was very hard on my partner and myself; I protected myself by blaming him. But when we worked together, I saw that I could not take any complaints from my partner. When things were rough, I paused. Through working together to fix what went wrong, I learned to listen to my partner with empathy and I can say that I am kinder to myself.”

Marc, now in a committed relationship for the last ten years, says:

“I did not know how to open up to my partner...I wanted to say, ‘This is what I need and want from you.’ But I was afraid of saying that. But still, I was hurt and resentful so I acted passive-aggressively. I spent a long time avoiding troubles at home by disappearing into work. In hindsight, I can see that I avoided saying I want and need from my partner because it made me feel vulnerable. It also made me feel like I was asking for trouble. I am a middle child and grew up in a home where my parents were always busy. They never seemed to want or need anything from each other, or for themselves. I learned to say nothing and need little from them and the people around me. After going through the repair work with my boyfriend, I began taking risks and allowing myself to discuss my wants and needs and even my disappointments. Through this, I am learning to communicate more directly. I feel that being honest with him helps me to trust him and feel loved by him. I realized shoving my needs and desire down was my protection but also a big armor against my partner. Only allowing myself to be human—to have human needs, desires and even failings—am I learning to let this protection go."

How can you build the culture of relationship “attention, care, love, rupture and repair” with your partner?

It seems that through repairing the relationship when ruptures occur, rather than dismissing, denying or avoiding them, at least four significant gains partners can get out of the process:

1. Learning about yourself—your needs, desires, and humanness—in the context of relationship.
2. Learning about the impact you are having on your partner and acknowledging the impact your partner is having on you.
3. Discovering, acknowledging, and addressing the miscommunication/misattunements between you and your partner and learning to do things differently.
4. Experiencing how this process—the love, attention, and care you are paying to your relationship—can make you feel more loving, loved and connected.

Relationships Essential Reads

When Relationship Bonds Are Broken, What Remains?

The Revolutionary Power of Romantic Love

Even if the repair process fails, the process allows you to pause and take a note of your effort to care for your partner, your relationship and yourself. Simply registering that you are trying to do things differently this time is a way of caring for your relationship. And, when it is working you are able to see how, why, and under what circumstances you responded and react to your partner in particular ways. This provides crucial information on not only how you contribute when things go off the rails (rupture), but, equally important, how you can contribute more consciously to working with your partner to get them back on the rails (repair).

I wonder about the Michelangelo phenomenon — the interpersonal process where partners in love relationship sculpt each other to bring the best out of each — might be a fortunate consequence of conscientious break-repair-build work of two partners. For the year 2020 and moving forward, would you be willing to let yourself be vulnerable with your partner and try this new culture of rupture-repair-build for your relationship? You don't want to miss out on a great opportunity; rupture to strengthen your love relationship and bond with your partner.