Infidelity
Is Infidelity the Ultimate Deal-Breaker?
Monogamy or bust?
Posted March 13, 2021 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
No matter how many times alternative culture proclaims that monogamy is dead, and “polyamory is the new black,” most individuals consistently report wanting to be in an exclusive relationship without marital asides.
However, although a majority of people report that infidelity is a morally unacceptable behavior, its growing prevalence has been recorded since the late 1940s (Kinsey, Pomeroy, & Martin, 1948). In fact, Smith (2006) reports that in nationwide studies, approximately 11 to 23 percent of married individuals confess to engaging in at least one act of sexual infidelity while married. Although these numbers seem daunting, the ever-growing access to dating applications, and more cultural acceptance of “no strings attached relationships” has increased the likelihood that partnerships may be impacted by extramarital affairs.
Not surprisingly, extramarital affairs are more common among couples that evaluate their marriages negatively or report lower frequencies of sexual intercourse (Buss & Shackelford, 1997).
So, who cheats?
Generally speaking, persons scoring higher on the scales of neuroticism, and lower on scales of agreeableness, are more likely to engage in impulsive sensation-seeking practices, which include risky sexual behaviors and having multiple partners (Mashegoane, Moalusi, Ngoepe, & Pelzter, 2002). Further, individuals that score higher on extraversion scales report having more promiscuous sex, with multiple partners, oftentimes engaging in unsafe practices (Schmitt & Buss, 2000). In contrast, individuals who score high on scales of conscientiousness are more likely to persevere in intimate relationships, avoiding conflict and resisting the urge to be unfaithful.
So, what can you do if you find out your partner has been unfaithful?
Of course, ending the relationship is always an option, and in many cases the needed outcome. However, infidelity is not always a relationship deal-breaker, and there are times when you may want to make efforts to heal from the incident. During this process, it is important that you:
- Do not feel you need to make an immediate decision about the relationship. I have made some absolutely terrible decisions when I felt I had to make a decision quickly (aka deciding to go to any fast-food chain after midnight). You get to take the time to explore how you feel and explore your values and options. Do not let others have too much say on what you do, as the urge that most friends have to say "dump them” will oversimplify and invalidate what you are going through.
- Give yourself space from your partner. Again, I have to highlight that I have said some pretty mean things to people when angry (luckily not to the fast-food employees I encounter after midnight). The discovery that your partner has cheating will undoubtedly cause you intense emotions. You may not act like yourself, and that is not always the best time to have emotionally intense conversations. Take time and talk to your partner when it feels safe.
- Seek professional help. Seek help from professionals who can help guide you through the necessary trust-building that will be required after the incident. They can help support you and your partner, no matter what the outcome of the relationship.
No matter what happens you can always reach out for mental health services in your area. Do not be shy to call the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255) when distressed and know that you can always dial 211 to get information about local services near you.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.