When Your Child Starts Sounding Like Your Ex

As they sit down for dinner, Laura asks her twelve-year-old son Ethan if he has finished his homework.

He looks down, hesitates, then replies, “Yeah, I finished it. I did it right after school.”

Laura notices his hesitation and presses gently: “Are you sure? If you need me, I’m happy to help.”

He shrugs and says with a nervous smile, “I did it. It’s done. Stop nagging me.”

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Laura frowns, sensing something is off. A bit later during the meal, she mentions that his teacher called her about his missing homework.

“Geez, Mom!” he snaps. “She must have meant someone else. Why do you always have to overreact?”

Laura’s stomach drops. She doesn’t want to argue, so she eats in silence and waits to see if Ethan will say anything more.

After a few minutes, he puts down his fork and apologizes: “I tried to do that assignment, but I got stuck. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you or Dad to be mad. I’m so stupid sometimes. I promise I’ll do it now.”

Unpacking This Case Study

Although Laura is pleased with the outcome on this particular day, she is upset by the pattern she sees in her son’s behavior and especially by his lying and name-calling. She is confused because she doesn’t understand why Ethan is reacting this way.

With the help of a professional, Laura is able to recognize that her interactions with Ethan reflect key dynamics in her relationship with her ex. Before Laura and Sebastian separated, he got angry at her whenever she shared her feelings, offered suggestions about his parenting, or asked him to help around the house. He would turn her comments around and blame her or criticize her for being too controlling. He continually complained that she was nagging him.

Laura spent years during their marriage trying to avoid Sebastian’s reactions and simply keep the peace. She tried to say the right things or fix his anger. Over time, she found herself feeling small, confused, tongue-tied, and exhausted around her ex. She blamed herself for being stupid or saying the wrong things.

Recognizing Patterns In One's Child

Only after Laura had gained some distance from the situation, and begun to explore it with the help of a therapist, was she able to see that her son was reacting in the same manner and using the same language he had witnessed with his dad. Moreover, he was using the same coping mechanisms Laura had used with Sebastian to stay safe and try to save their relationship.

For example, Ethan learned from his dad to avoid a strict or possibly emotionally volatile reaction by sidestepping the truth or by people pleasing. We can see this when he lies about finishing his homework and then falsely assures his mother he doesn’t need help. He also learned to transfer the blame from himself to his mother, such as when he accuses her of overreacting. He also uses gaslighting—“She must have meant someone else”—to avoid his mother’s negative reaction.

Ethan’s self-esteem suffers when he sees that one of his parent’s love is conditional. He learns that doing things correctly earns him positive regard and approval from his dad, while doing things wrong or not knowing how to do them results in criticism or a harsh and shame-based reaction, such as “Don’t be stupid” or “You should know better.” Even if only one parent is doing this, Ethan naturally applies the adaptive coping skills he’s learning when he is with the other parent as well.

Dual-Homes and Coping Mechanisms

It can be challenging to see behaviors in your child that resemble the unhealthy behaviors you experienced with your ex-partner. It is hard to know how to respond to the coping strategies they use in response to their other parent’s toxic behaviors—or perhaps even to your own. This can also be confusing for your kid. They see one parent behaving in one way, and the other in another way. When they have to behave a certain way in one home to stay safe, it can be hard to shake that off when they go to their other home.

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In this case, Laura and Sebastian were separated. However, the same dynamics can play out within a single household. They may even be a reason for separation and divorce. While I recommend seeking professional help, you may able to bring awareness to these issues on your own. Understand that your child will test things out, mimic behavior they see in the home, and use coping mechanisms as they learn what will keep them safe as well as when their safety and security may not be reliable.

Your child may try out name calling, sarcasm, and putdowns or they may try gaslighting, blaming, or lying as a way to dodge accountability. People pleasing and perfectionism are other ways your kid may manage the reactions of their parent or try to gain their approval and love. Whether your child’s behaviors reflect maladaptive survival mechanisms or are imitations of what they have witnessed, you don’t have to let these behaviors define your child.

Creating a Healthier Environment

Having two homes can be an opportunity to provide your kid with a healthier and safer environment. When the other parent is not present, it can be easier to bring awareness to issues you observe in your child. You can name their unhealthy behavior, reflect on their emotions, model values and boundaries, and teach healthier behaviors and ways of coping. Speaking openly can help your child not engage in self-blame and can keep them from internalizing or copying unhealthy behaviors.

Starting the Healing Process

But the healing has to start with you. As Laura learned, you can bring awareness to and heal your own negative patterns or beliefs. Then you can apply your insights to help your child start to break and unlearn their unhealthy patterns. Over time, these positive experiences will support your child’s developing sense of self, sense of security and trust in others, and emotional resilience.