When Your Child Acts Out, It’s a Signal—Not a Sentence

Kids may seem as if they’re just being kids, but their behavior may be the result of witnessing or experiencing unhealthy interactions with one parent or between their parents. Consider these expressions of unhealthy behavior:

Allison: “If you loved me, you’d let me stay up late the way Dad does.”

Josh: “It’s not my fault the juice spilled. Cory distracted me.”

Tom: “Dad’s right, Mom. You’re controlling cause you’re insecure.”

Riley: [hitting her brother] “Gimme that!”

Children can only unlearn unhealthy behaviors when they feel emotionally safe. The good news is you can create a corrective experience that provides safety in your own home, even if their other parent isn’t on board. This can help heal the impact of past harmful experiences, particularly related to trust, safety, relationships, or self-worth.

You can teach and model healthy dynamics by consistently providing a sense of safety, protection, and emotional connection. You can do this in a two-parent home, as well as in your own home after separation or divorce. If a child is exposed to a toxic environment in one household, experiencing stability, safety, and healthy connections in the other can significantly influence their behaviors and coping mechanisms.

The following tips can help your child unlearn unhealthy behaviors.

Source: Julia M Cameron/Pexel

Unconditional Love

You can teach and model what safety feels like, emotionally and physically, by providing your child with unconditional love. Unconditional love communicates that your love is not a transaction and is not dependent on how your child acts or what they do.

You can express this verbally to your child: “Allison, I get it: Your Dad and I have different rules, and it’s confusing. I love you so much, and that will never change. And it’s also time to turn the TV off.” This helps your child develop a sense of being innately lovable regardless of their actions or behaviors.

Celebrate, engage with, and support your children’s interests, even if they’re different from yours. Delight in and admire your children, not only when they accomplish something but also when they don’t. In this way, they will learn they are innately lovable and valued. Accept your children as they are, even when they make mistakes, struggle in school, or have behaviors you disagree with, don’t understand, or don’t approve of. Instead of judging their behavior, use your curiosity to understand them and teach them more helpful ways to get their needs met.

Stay emotionally present during tough moments—such as tantrums, mood swings, or adolescence in general—instead of withdrawing, punishing, or shaming your children. Offer comfort without judgment, even when your child caused the problem. Teach that taking responsibility is brave and a chance to grow, not something to be ashamed of. For example, if your child makes a mistake and blames a sibling, as Josh did, avoid reacting with anger. Instead, say: “It’s okay, Josh. I’m not mad about the spilled juice. Instead of blaming Corey, let’s clean it up together.”

Consistent Routines and Boundaries

A child who is engaging in harmful behaviors will benefit from having consistent routines and boundaries so they know what to expect when they are with you. This helps reduce their stress and anxiety, especially during moments of transition. If they live in two homes, consistent routines can be helpful on days they go from one home to the other.

For example, Tom is mimicking the gaslighting he heard his dad use toward his mother by telling her she is controlling and insecure. Though he likely doesn’t know what that means, he uses it to avoid cleaning his room. As his parent, set clear expectations, regardless of what the other parent is doing. Instead of a back-and-forth about what was said about you, focus on stating boundaries: “Tom, that is disrespectful. I get that you don’t want to clean your room, but hurtful language is unkind and won’t get your needs met. How else can you let me know you don’t want to clean your room?”

Even if your child balks at your imposing an appropriate consequence or a boundary, know that you are providing the structure they need to feel safe to learn and grow. A child who has experienced appropriate boundaries will be more likely to maintain boundaries within their relationships.

As you teach your child how to hold their boundaries, let them know they are not responsible for other people’s actions or feelings. Talk to them about what they can do if someone makes them feel scared, hurt, or uncomfortable. For example, they can say: “Please don’t talk to me about my other parent,” “I’m going to leave now,” “That’s hurtful or scary,” “That’s not OK.”

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Emotional Validation and Regulation

The ability to make your child feel validated as well as capable of regulating their own emotions is critical to creating the safety they need to unlearn unhealthy behaviors. If their other parent is using unhealthy parenting strategies, you can protect your kid by believing them, listening to them, and understanding them. This allows them to learn how to self-regulate and build their capacity for empathy.

Children often show their emotions through their behavior. Like Riley, they may show anger through hitting. Instead of reacting first by punishing your child, connect with their emotion and redirect them toward a more appropriate behavior. For example: “You seem mad, Riley. Tell me what’s going on,” instead of “Don’t hit your brother. Go to your room.” Once Riley is calmer, explain: “You can be mad, but hitting your brother isn’t OK and won’t help you get your needs met.” Co-create a better solution: “What do you think will work better?”

This kind of validation and emotional regulation is fundamental to a child’s ability to feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe. If your child lives in two households, they may not be able to express their feelings in one of them. If they can be in your home, however, they will learn that their feelings and needs do matter, which will help them develop healthy self-esteem.