Something strange is going on with marriage. Or perhaps the bottom is finally falling out of this outdated and potentially obsolete institution.
Two weeks ago, I wrote an article entitled, How to Stay Together Without Being Together, and, as of this writing, it has already been viewed by nearly 60,000 people. I’ve also received dozens of comments:
“I recently read your book ‘The New I Do’ and it was exactly what I have been trying to put together in my head for the past many years. My roommate (wife) and I have two kids, 12 and 10. I have endured the marriage for the kids’ sake for almost a decade now and have been talking about divorce for years. I live downstairs while she lives upstairs. We have had this arrangement for about 5 years now. I stay for the kids, plain and simple. The kids are everything to me and I can’t stand the thought of not being able to tuck them in each night and help with homework after school each day. Instead of divorce, which would be a lot of stress on everyone in the house, not to mention the cost, I am now wanting to work on an arrangement for co-parenting and continuing to live in the house. We would be staying together strictly for the kids and not for any romantic reasons." ~ Darryl
And this one from Cheryl S: “It's nice to have a phrase to describe it. Validating and you feel less like a loser.”
Or, the one I just received from a woman in Canada: “I'm happy to say that my wild internet searching for a happier solution for my marriage has brought me to you and your writing and the term 'parenting marriage'!”
Can We Please Have More Options?
“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” Elizabeth Gilbert
There’s clearly a hunger for another option besides staying unhappily in an unfulfilling marriage or divorcing.
The Parenting Marriage alternative is speaking to people who feel they have failed because their marriage is no longer really a marriage; people who feel trapped because they don’t want to be with their mate but they don’t want to miss seeing their kids every day.
I developed the Parenting Marriage concept accidentally back in 2005 when I was working with a couple that was in a predicament. Neither was happy in the marriage but no one wanted to leave. Because of the Recession, their house was upside down and assets had dwindled to almost nothing. Despite both being successful professionals, like many couples I saw then, they actually couldn’t afford to get divorced.
I began to explore what other options might be workable for them. Before I knew it, I had helped them craft an agreement that was somewhere between a romance-based marriage and a non-marriage; one that would allow them both to be there for the kids and have contact with them every morning and night.
I decided to call it a Parenting Marriage because that was the main focus of the union. It was a purpose-driven union instead of an emotion-driven one. A novel concept.
Except this isn’t a new idea at all. In fact, love-based marriages (once thought to be foolish at best, dangerous at worst) were strictly verboten in many-a-culture even just a couple of hundred years ago.
Today, marriage is taking twists and turns faster than Disney’s, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.™ Anything goes these days from staying single one’s whole life, having kids late in life because you’ve put career before family, to the more recent explosion of polyamory. We can even decide to become a different gender nowadays!
Where is Marriage Headed?
I imagine it’s quite confusing to young people wondering which path they should take. Life was so much easier when we didn’t have so many options. We all knew what to expect and it made it so much easier to think we knew everybody’s story—even if we never really did.
Choice and change are here to stay whether we like it or not and I think it’s time we embraced the trends.
In researching, The New I Do, Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, Vicki Larson and I uncovered all kinds of alternatives to traditional marriage currently in practice.
Despite looking like “normal” nuptials on the outside, many people are creating what I call a "Copernican-style" of marriage: tweaking the institution to fit them instead of trying to cram themselves in the one-size-fits-all model of matrimony. And, here’s the rub: It’s actually working for them.
Why, then, can’t we offer couples that solely want to have kids together—or that already have kids together but are no longer in love—a practical solution in a marriage dedicated solely to parenting?
I’ve received mostly supportive comments but I also got some from people who felt this idea was blasphemous. They argued that it was being dishonest and poor role-modeling to stay in a marriage without love. Yet, that's exactly what happens when people stay and suffer while pretending that all is well.
I propose that we make Parenting Marriage a formal alternative to the traditional model; that we normalize it so people can come out of the closet and live more authentically; that we tell kids that this is a viable option designed to allow them to grow up in a stable two-parent home and not have to worry about forgetting homework assignments or their soccer uniform at the other parent’s house.
I’m open to discussing the pros and cons with you, and even if we can’t agree, I’m happy that we are finally getting some much-needed dialogue going on this subject.
If you’re interested in learning more about this practical Parenting Marriage alternative, I invite you to learn more about it HERE.
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