Don't Expect Co-parenting to be Easy Following Divorce

People are constantly taken by surprise and let down when their ex-spouse doesn't measure up as a co-parent after divorce - even when they weren't such a great co-parent before the marital dissolution occurred.

Mark's wife, Ann, was a distant mother to their three boys when they lived together in that she never attended any of their school or sporting events. She was not very affectionate and she didn't help them with their daily activities such as homework, bathing and bedtime. Mark took care of all of his boys' needs in this regard.

When they split, Ann was actually less involved with the boys than she had ever been. They hardly saw her and it was not only hard on them, but Mark suffered as well. He had the burden of caring for them 99% of the time, and he felt very sad that his boys weren't getting "proper mothering," (as he called it) that they deserved.

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Jodi gave her husband every chance in the book to step up while they were together but he just wasn't capable. Len would offer to do something to take care of their daughter, then fail to follow through every single time. She assumed that, if they split, he would want to have "quality time" with his daughter since he wouldn't get to see her every day.

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In both of these cases, the higher functioning parent expected that the lower functioning parent would be able to co-parent because the court mandated that they have a certain amount of custody. In both cases, the lower functioning parent didn't pick up their share of the co-parenting slack (even when their share was a fraction of what the other had). And in both cases, there was an element of surprise (despite plenty of history of let down) and disappointment. Both cases needed some post-divorce intervention.

What we uncovered through the co-parenting counseling was that, in the first scenario, Ann finally got honest with Mark and told him that she was not interested in being a parent: she was on a career path and she didn't want to be involved in "all the male activities."

Len's story was one of low self-esteem: It wasn't because he didn't want to see his daughter (which is why he kept offering to show up), it was that he felt he had nothing to offer her so he ultimately would not do things with her.

While there are always exceptions to this rule, generally speaking, the rude awakening many experience in divorce is that a particular parenting problem that was present during the marriage is present to the same degree - or worse - in a divorce.

If you are contemplating dissolving your marriage, and you are thinking that sharing parenthood will be easier "on the other side," think again.

I'm not suggesting that anyone should stay in a marriage that isn't working, but I do think it's important to make the monumental choice to divorce with eyes open and with support systems (child care help, therapists, friends, your kid's friend's parents) in place.

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