The Power of Gifting

For the last two weeks, I’ve been swept up in the usual holiday whirlwind: searching for gifts that feel meaningful for everyone on my list. Some were easy to decide—my toddler’s excitement at a simple toy will light up the room—but others, like choosing something for my in-laws, left me second-guessing myself. Would they find it thoughtful enough? Practical enough?

The truth is, gift-giving is far more than a seasonal tradition or a material exchange. Research shows that gifts hold deep symbolic and emotional significance, serving as tools for connection, care, and even relationship management. A single gift can reflect love, gratitude, or shared memories, while another might create stress or obligations for both giver and receiver.

Gifts play a vital role in managing and nurturing relationships, helping us strengthen bonds, signal commitment, and express emotions that words sometimes fail to convey. Relational gifting focuses on care, connection, and reciprocity, fostering trust and intimacy, while transactional gifting tends to be more self-serving or impersonal. Motivations behind gifts often blend altruism and self-interest—whether we’re showing appreciation, demonstrating affection, or hoping for a particular emotional response. Gifts can be used for expressing love, gratitude, and loyalty, as well as demonstrating power, seeking prestige, or manipulating relationships. Ultimately, the recipient’s reaction determines the success of the exchange. Gifts that align with expectations and relationship context foster positive emotions, while thoughtless or inappropriate choices can strain bonds.

At their best, gifts serve as powerful, unspoken gestures of care. A simple handmade scarf or a lemon tree planted together may not only bring immediate joy but can also reshape how we feel about each other over time, reminding recipients of the giver’s thoughtfulness and connection. Even small, seemingly ordinary gifts can have a profound impact on relationships.

Research shows that receiving a gift can lead to various relational outcomes: A well-chosen gift can strengthen a relationship by expressing commitment or shared meaning, often marking significant milestones like anniversaries or birthdays. Gifts can also affirm the positive qualities of an existing relationship, reminding us of closeness and familiarity—like a cherished book or photo album that symbolizes years of friendship.

Not all gifts carry the same weight, however. Some have a negligible effect when they feel irrelevant or when preexisting bonds are already strong enough to make the gift inconsequential. In other cases, gifts can have unintended consequences. They may reinforce negative qualities in a relationship, such as misunderstanding or a lack of effort, or weaken it by introducing unwanted obligations or sending inappropriate messages. In rare but impactful instances, gifts may even sever ties by symbolizing control, disrespect, or a breakdown of trust. Imagine receiving a gift so inappropriate that it feels more like an insult—like the time a friend proudly gifted me a giant chocolate sculpture of a man’s intimate parts on my wedding day, right in front of the stunned faces of my parents, husband, and in-laws.

Why Experiences Make the Best Memories

When choosing a gift, many of us focus on physical items, but research shows that experiential gifts—like a cooking class, concert tickets, or a shared weekend trip—are especially powerful for relationships. These gifts create moments of joy and shared memories that linger far longer than most material possessions. The magic lies in the emotions we experience. Whether we’re sharing the moment with the giver or enjoying it on our own, experiential gifts evoke stronger feelings of connection. Even small experiences, like a dinner reservation or a surprise day out, can leave a lasting mark. Of all the gifts I gave my parents last year, the ones they cherished most were a romantic photo session and a 3-day spa retreat in a peaceful suburban forest. In contrast, the material gifts I gave—whether a pair of warm socks, a piece of jewelry, or something else—have already faded from memory, even for me.

Showing You Care: Thoughtful Gifts Matter Most

We’ve all felt the urge to give a gift that feels personal—something that shows we truly know and understand the recipient. Interestingly, this is especially common in close relationships. Research shows that when giving to close friends or family, we tend to prioritize gifts that signal thoughtfulness and intimacy, even if those gifts don’t perfectly align with the recipient’s stated preferences. For instance, instead of buying the cookbook someone asked for, we might choose a hand-picked baking set because it feels more heartfelt. While practical gifts like those from a registry often satisfy recipients more, the intention behind relationally meaningful gifts shines through.

Gifts Reflect Culture, Care, and Connection

Gifting has always been central to human connection, but it is far more complex than simply exchanging objects. Across cultures and throughout history, gifts have symbolized everything from care and generosity to power, loyalty, and obligation. Anthropologists remind us that gifting is not just about the item itself but about the relationships, intentions, and meanings negotiated between the giver, recipient, and even observers.

Relationships Essential Reads

When Sameness Betrays Fairness

Why Do We Hold on to Old Flames?

Unlike market transactions, gifts occupy a unique space in which social bonds, symbolic gestures, and cultural expectations converge. A gift can strengthen bonds, express gratitude, or create a sense of collective care, but it can also carry strategic significance. Historically, rulers used gifts to assert dominance or secure loyalty, while recipients could redefine their meaning to resist subjugation. Similarly, gifts to religious institutions or political figures often held underlying agendas, transforming material wealth into social or spiritual capital.

What makes gifting so fascinating—and sometimes challenging—is its inherent ambiguity. The meaning of a gift is not fixed but shaped by its cultural context and the power dynamics of the moment. A thoughtful gesture in one setting might be misinterpreted in another, leading to unintended consequences or strained relationships. For example, a gift that is perceived as too extravagant may feel like an obligation, while a modest offering could be seen as a sign of care and sincerity.

Throughout history, the language of gifting has evolved alongside societal structures. In feudal systems, gifts reinforced hierarchical relationships, while in modern economies, they increasingly reflect personal intention and sentiment. Whether elaborate or simple, what ultimately matters most is the intention behind the gift—and the dynamic, evolving connection it represents.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

As I wrapped the last of my gifts this year, I reminded myself of something simple but important: The perfect gift doesn’t exist. Instead, what truly matters is the thought, care, and connection we bring to the act of giving. Even if a gift isn’t immediately cherished, its meaning can grow over time. A quirky vase or a well-loved sweater might someday remind someone of the love and effort we put into choosing it. This holiday season, let your gifts be symbols of care and connection. Whether it’s a shared experience, a meaningful keepsake, or simply something that brings joy, every thoughtful gift has the power to say, I see you, and you matter to me.