What Your Partner Needs (Isn't What You'd Need)

When a partner is upset or struggling, knowing how to help can be difficult. Should you offer advice, reassurance, a hug, or space? Sometimes, we get it wrong, and new research explains why. Our chosen response may be driven more by how we handle our own emotions than by what our partner actually needs in any given moment (Xiao et al., 2026).

The Needs Beneath the Love Languages

Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages (1992) provided couples with a vocabulary for how we give and receive love. The five categories are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Part of the enduring appeal may be that Chapman gave us permission to acknowledge that how we are loved matters. He allowed us to desire, and ask for, affection, reassurance, gifts, and thoughtful acts from our partner.

But, our preferred love language is only a starting point to understanding our needs. When a client tells me, “My love language is words of affirmation,” I want to know more. Does it point to a need for validation, security, or the sense that you matter? And when someone says physical touch is important, is there a deeper need for comfort, reassurance, or intimacy?

Importantly, our needs change and our preferred love languages may be more fluid. Someone who wants physical touch tonight may want space tomorrow. Or, someone who usually appreciates gifts may need their partner to simply listen after a hard day at work.

There is no empirical data to support Chapman’s claims that we all have a primary love language from the five he offers or that couples are more satisfied when their love languages match (Impett et al., 2024). Still, the vocabulary has value because it gives couples a shared way to begin to name their needs.

For many couples in therapy, unvoiced needs are at the root of misunderstandings and conflict. Often, partners expect each other to intuit their desires. When partners miss the cue, some might interpret this as evidence that they don’t care enough, when it actually means they just didn't know.

We Comfort Others From Our Own Playbook

There is an interesting explanation for why we miss the mark with loved ones. In a recent study, researchers followed 387 heterosexual couples for more than two years. They examined both intrinsic emotional regulation (how we manage our own emotions) and extrinsic emotional regulation (how we attempt to help another; Xiao et al., 2026). They looked at six coping strategies, including suppression, humor, reappraisal, distraction, direct action, and sharing. A clear pattern emerged: How the respondents regulated their emotions was most often connected with the strategy offered to their partner (Xiao et al., 2026). So, when someone we love is struggling, we tend to reach into our own emotional toolbox and offer the support that works best for us. But the tool that works for you, or the one you instinctively use, won’t necessarily work for your partner.

In a second study, the researchers found that among several ways partners regulate each other’s emotions, helping that partner feel valued and cared for was most consistently associated with emotional intelligence and better relationship quality (Xiao et al., 2026b). The deeper question, then, is whether our response leaves our partner feeling understood, valued, and cared for.

Know and Communicate Your "H"

Source: Alena Darmel/Pexels/Used with permission

Instead of relying on love languages or tools we use to soothe ourselves, I encourage couples to directly ask each other, “What do you need right now to know I understand and care?”

This question leaves room for context and flexibility. It invites present-moment, reciprocal dialogue. One person must be caring and curious enough to ask, and the other, self-aware enough to answer beyond the circumstances or emotions of the current stressor.

I encourage individuals to identify and communicate their needs using my Five Interpersonal Needs listed below, each beginning with the letter H. Of course, there are more than five, but these categories help get couples started.

1. Heard: Do I need to vent or process out loud? Do I need my partner to listen without judgment or offering a solution?
2. Held: Do I need affection? Do I need my partner to hold my hand, offer a hug, or silent touch?
3. Humor: Do I need a moment of levity or laughter to ease tension?
4. Honor: Do I need recognition for my efforts or support for my actions? Do I need my partner to honor my need for space?
5. Help: Do I need advice or an alternate perspective? Do I need a helping hand with a problem? (Note: This is the one people jump to first, but it may be the least needed).

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Interpersonal Needs and Responses

Here are some ways you can help your partner, depending on which "H" is their need.

Person in Need..................Support Person

Needs to be Heard..............Listen only, reflect back what you heard, affirm

Needs to be Held.................Physical affection, a hug or a hand to hold

Needs to be Humored........Share a funny story, meme, or joke, lighten the mood

Needs to be Honored..........Validate, recognize effort, affirm, allow space

Needs to be Helped............Advise, reframe, offer a suggestion or a helping hand

Naming needs is harder than it sounds. The words and tone also matter. For example, there is a big difference between, “You never listen to me” and “I could really use a listening ear before I think about solutions.” “Leave me alone” is different from “I’m overwhelmed and need time to settle before we talk.” And, instead of silently hoping your partner reaches out with affection, you may say, “I would love a hug right now.”

There is vulnerability in asking directly, but I encourage couples to ask anyway. A partner may not be available to give what is requested, and that’s okay. Voicing the need allows us to consider other ways it might be met. Healthy relating requires curiosity about emotional and relational needs, a willingness to express them, and responsiveness when we can offer what is being asked. This is the missing ingredient that keeps us in the language of love and care.