How Childhood Trauma Damages Self-Worth and How to Heal It

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Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to feel good about yourself, no matter how much you accomplish? Or why you’re quick to doubt your own worth? Often, the answer goes back to childhood. Growing up without the love, support, or safety you needed can negatively affect your self-worth. In this post, we’ll examine how childhood trauma can shape the way you see yourself, why early experiences are so powerful, and what you can do to build yourself back up.

What Is Self-Worth?

Self-worth is the belief that you have value and are worthy of love and belonging. People with high self-worth don’t have to prove themselves or earn people’s love and approval constantly. They feel confident about who they are and know they are good and valuable even when others disapprove or are angry. They accept themselves and don’t expect perfection, so they aren’t overly self-critical.

Self-worth isn’t conceited. It doesn’t mean you think you’re the best or better than others. It simply means that you know you have value just as you are. Self-worth can look like:

• Recognizing that you need and deserve self-care—and prioritizing it
• Feeling confident about who you are
• Living authentically, even if others disapprove
• Asking for what you need or want
• Accepting yourself and knowing you have value despite your imperfections
• Accepting compliments, love, and praise from others
• Treating yourself with compassion when you make mistakes
• Setting boundaries and distancing yourself from people who treat you poorly
• Letting yourself rest because you know you don’t have to prove your worth

How Childhood Trauma Undermines Self-Worth

Self-worth begins in childhood. How your parents or caregivers treated you became the template for your self-worth. If your parents were attentive and comforting, you probably learned that you matter. However, if your parents were absent, inattentive, inconsistent, or harsh, you learned that others couldn’t be trusted, that your needs don’t matter, and that you don’t deserve to be cared for and loved.

Young children don’t understand that being abused or neglected isn’t their fault. Children who’ve experienced trauma tend to grow up thinking they caused the abuse or neglect because they were bad, difficult, needy, stupid, ugly, or defective.

Verbal abuse in childhood also destroys self-worth. When you’re explicitly told that there’s something wrong with you, it’s nearly impossible not to internalize those messages and treat them as facts rather than abuse. The hurtful things others said in childhood often become the critical things we say to ourselves.

Our parents and families are supposed to love and care for us unconditionally. They should notice your feelings, encourage you, celebrate who you are, and be interested in you and things that matter to you. When your family fails you in this way, it’s confusing. You understandably blame yourself. During childhood, blaming your parents is dangerous because you’re dependent on them. So, you try even harder to please them and win their love and affection.

When you grow up with childhood trauma, your self-worth is based on how others treat you. Their mistreatment seems like proof that you aren’t worthy of love, that you don’t deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and that you don’t have anything valuable to contribute. In reality, child abuse and maltreatment are the adult’s failing, not the child’s.

In addition, if your parents or caregivers didn’t feel good about themselves, they couldn’t teach you to feel good about yourself. Instead, they may have taught you to be ashamed of who you are and what you do; they may have encouraged perfectionism and used harsh punishments to control you.

How to Increase Self-Worth

Developing self-worth is a process that requires action on your part. You can’t wait to feel worthy to practice self-care or set boundaries. Instead, you need to do things like practice self-care and set boundaries to develop self-worth. So, even though it’s hard, try implementing the following strategies even if you don’t feel worthy or comfortable doing so.

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• Practice self-acceptance. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, and we all have value just as we are.
• Know that self-worth isn’t something you earn. You don’t have to prove your worth to yourself or others. Self-worth isn’t a reflection of your achievements or station in life. Everyone is worthy of love and respect—even you!
• Prioritize self-care. Self-care isn’t just important for your health—it’s a way of showing yourself that you matter. Every time you exercise, set limits on screen time, or rest, you send a powerful message: “I am worth taking care of. I deserve to be healthy and happy.”
• Ask for what you need. It’s essential to recognize that you have needs and your needs matter. Practice noticing your needs, accepting them without judgment, and asking others to help.
• Set boundaries. Boundaries are limits that show others how you want to be treated—what’s OK and what’s not OK with you. They protect you from being mistreated and reflect your self-worth. Start by speaking up about small things and then work up to setting more significant boundaries.
• Say nice things to yourself. Be aware of how you talk to yourself and set an intention to treat yourself with the same loving kindness that you give others. You may feel that you deserve self-criticism, but that’s likely because you’re so used to being criticized by others and yourself.
• Accept compliments and praise, but don’t rely on them for your self-worth. When others say nice things about you, trust that they are telling you the truth. Don’t dismiss their compliments or praise because you don’t feel worthy. However, be mindful that you don’t rely solely on other people’s opinions for your self-worth.

Rebuilding self-worth after childhood trauma isn’t easy, but it’s possible. By understanding where your struggles come from, treating yourself with patience, and practicing new ways of thinking and living, you can create a stronger, healthier sense of who you are.

©Sharon Martin. A similar version of this post also appears on the author's website.