5 Common Boundary-Setting Mistakes and How to Fix Them

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Are you struggling to set boundaries that stick?

Do you feel like you're giving it your all, yet people still don’t respect your boundaries?

Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, but many people struggle to enforce them effectively. In this post, I’ll review five common boundary-setting mistakes and provide strategies for making them more effective.

Understanding Boundaries and Why They Matter

Boundaries communicate how you want to be treated. They make expectations clear so both parties know what to expect from each other and how they should behave. Without boundaries, people may take advantage of you because you haven’t set limits or communicated what behavior is OK and what isn’t.

Boundaries take many forms and are based on your needs and values. When you recognize what matters most to you, you can take steps to prioritize those things. For example, if you need eight hours of sleep, you can establish a boundary to ensure you get it. If you value alone time, setting boundaries can help you avoid overcommitting to social activities.

Now, let’s explore some common boundary challenges and how to address them.

5 Boundary-Setting Mistakes

1. You’re Focused on Changing Others Instead of Yourself

While boundaries can involve requesting changes from others, their primary purpose is to help you meet your needs—not to control or change other people. It’s often more effective to focus on what you can change rather than expecting others to alter their behavior.

For example, instead of repeatedly asking your mother to stop texting you while you’re asleep, you could let her know you’ll be turning your phone off at night and will respond when you’re available. This approach ensures you get the rest you need without relying on someone else to change their habits.

2. You’re Setting Boundaries in the Heat of the Moment

When boundaries are set in anger, they often come across as ultimatums or punishments rather than thoughtful limits. For example, threatening to file for divorce or refusing to let your children see their other parent out of frustration are not true boundaries—they’re attempts to control or punish. Such reactions escalate conflict and are unlikely to foster long-term change.

Unless you’re in immediate danger, take time to calm down before setting a boundary. Reflect on what you need and how best to communicate it. Thoughtful, well-articulated boundaries are more likely to be respected and effective.

3. You Give In When Others Resist

Not everyone will be happy with your boundaries, and some people may push back, whether directly or subtly. However, just because someone dislikes your boundaries doesn’t mean they’re wrong or should be changed.

Most people will adjust over time if you remain consistent. If you enforce boundaries only when it’s easy, others may learn that they can get their way by resisting. Stand firm—your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.

4. Your Boundaries Are Too Rigid

Although consistency is generally important when setting boundaries, sometimes, boundary-setting involves compromise and flexibility. Many of our boundaries can be flexible depending on the situation. The exceptions are “deal breaker” boundaries. Deal-breaker boundaries protect your health or safety and should never be compromised. Examples might include refusing to tolerate physical abuse or infidelity.

Learning when to be flexible and when to stand firm takes practice. Be mindful of whether you’re genuinely compromising or conceding. As I explain in The Better Boundaries Workbook, “Conceding is one party giving in or giving up, whereas compromising involves give and take by both parties. When it's truly mutual, compromising feels good, or at least productive. But if you frequently make significant concessions...your needs won't get met and you'll grow resentful” (Martin, 2021).

Boundaries Essential Reads

The Stoic’s Guide to Caring Deeply Without Losing Yourself

Why “Healthy Boundaries” Look Different Across Cultures

5. You’re Overexplaining Your Boundaries

When setting boundaries, less is often more, especially when dealing with people who tend to push back. Some individuals will dissect your explanations and argue against your boundaries to pressure you into changing them.

Instead of explaining, keep it simple. A straightforward “That doesn’t work for me” is often enough. If someone insists on arguing, you don’t have to justify your decision repeatedly.

Additionally, not all boundaries need to be stated outright. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. If someone is yelling at you, rather than explaining why it’s unacceptable, you can simply leave the room or end the call. This communicates your boundary effectively without engaging in unnecessary conflict.

Final Thoughts

As you can see, setting boundaries isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes, it involves asking others to change, and other times, it means changing your own behaviors. Some boundaries should be firm, while others can be flexible. In certain cases, explaining your boundaries is necessary, but at other times, actions are more effective.

If you’ve been struggling with boundaries, take a moment to reflect on these five common mistakes. Small adjustments can create clearer, healthier boundaries that are more likely to be respected and help you meet your needs.

©Sharon Martin. A version of this post also appears on the author's website.