Perfectionism
4 Parenting Styles That Lead to Perfectionism
Varied approaches can convey that a child's value is based on achievements.
Posted December 9, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Perfectionists set impossible standards for themselves and fear they will never measure up.
- While there isn’t a single cause of perfectionism, parenting styles can be a contributing factor.
- Demanding, perfectionist, distracted, or overwhelmed parents can drive children to become perfectionistic.
Do you struggle with perfectionism? This often involves setting impossibly high standards, striving to please others, and fearing that you’ll never measure up.
Many people mistakenly equate perfectionism with pursuing excellence, but in reality, it usually does the opposite. Rather than motivating us or helping us achieve more, perfectionism often results in harsh self-criticism, chronic stress, and both physical and mental health challenges. It can also create the damaging belief that self-worth and love must be earned.
Why do people develop perfectionist traits?
If you struggle with perfectionism, you’ve probably wondered why you developed these traits.
And while there isn’t a single cause of perfectionism, most people recognize that their gender, culture, innate personality, and experiences play a part. Parenting styles can also contribute to perfectionism as parents greatly influence the development of our habits, values, beliefs, and self-perception.
The four parenting styles described in this post―demanding, perfectionist, distracted, and overwhelmed―originate from and are discussed in greater detail in my book The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism.
As you read through the descriptions, notice whether one or more describes how you were parented or how you’re parenting your children.
1. Demanding Parents
Demanding parents prioritize external markers of success like awards, grades, and titles, valuing others’ opinions above all. They see their children as extensions of themselves, tying their self-esteem to their children’s achievements. When their children fall short of perfection, demanding parents may feel embarrassed or inadequate.
Demanding parents tell their children (even adult children) what to do rather than ask what the child wants, needs, or feels. They often use verbal attacks (excessive yelling, cursing, and name-calling) and physical discipline to teach their children that failure and disobedience aren’t acceptable, believing harsh methods will lead to success.
Children of demanding parents grow up feeling inadequate because they constantly fall short of their parents’ and their own expectations. They often struggle to identify their own desires, having internalized their parents’ goals and ideals. They also learn that they are loveable only when they please others. Striving for perfection becomes a pathway to acceptance, love, and attention.
2. Perfectionist Parents
Perfectionism can also be learned when children grow up with driven, goal-oriented, perfectionist parents who model or reward perfectionistic strivings. Perfectionism is encouraged when children are praised excessively for their achievements rather than their character or efforts. The focus is on what the child accomplishes rather than the process or who they are as a person.
Perfectionist parents are generally loving and don’t necessarily directly set unrealistic expectations for their children (although they may if they’re demanding as well). They model their value of a perfect family, home, and appearance through achieving at extremely high levels and attaining academic, career, or monetary success.
3. Distracted Parents
Distracted parents meet their children’s physical needs but not their emotional needs. Usually, these parents mean well but are unaware of how their children feel, what they need, and how their own behavior affects their children.
A distracted parent might work long hours, leaving them physically and emotionally unavailable, or they might spend most of their time online. Others are constantly busy, rushing from one activity to the next without pausing long enough to really check in with their children.
They may not openly demand perfection, but their behavior conveys that success and achievement define a person’s worth. Their lack of attention can also tell children that they aren’t enough—smart enough, attractive enough, or talented enough—to deserve their attention.
Perfectionism is a way for children of distracted parents to either get noticed or unburden their parents.
4. Overwhelmed Parents
Overwhelmed parents lack the skills to effectively cope with life’s challenges and their children’s needs. They may be chronically overwhelmed due to their own trauma, mental illness, addiction, or cognitive impairment. Or they may be overwhelmed by chronic stressors such as a very sick child, unemployment, poverty, health problems, or living in an unsafe community.
Overwhelmed parents aren’t just distracted and fatigued; they aren’t able to provide a safe and nurturing environment for their children. In overwhelmed families, there is either a lack of consistent rules and structure or overly harsh or arbitrary rules. And overwhelmed parents either have unrealistic expectations for their children, such as expecting a 5-year-old to prepare and clean up his own meals, or no expectations.
Growing up with an overwhelmed parent is confusing, and children typically blame themselves for their family problems. They might believe everyone would be happy if they were “better” children, thinking, “If I got better grades, Dad wouldn’t be so stressed,” or, “If I were perfect, Mom wouldn’t drink.” Some overwhelmed parents even openly blame their children, reinforcing these harmful beliefs.
In response, some children use perfectionism to create a sense of control and stability. They may obsess over small tasks or strive for flawless performance to compensate for feelings of inadequacy and blame, hoping to restore order and safety in their unpredictable environment.
Conclusion
While demanding, perfectionist, distracted, and overwhelmed parents differ in their behaviors, they share a common inability to notice, understand, and value their children’s emotions. Children experience this as a lack of interest in truly knowing them as people—their thoughts, feelings, dreams, and goals.
If you were parented in these ways, you probably learned that being perfect earned you attention and accolades or helped you avoid harsh punishment and criticism. Your self-worth (and sometimes your survival) depended on pleasing your parents and upholding the image of a successful family. As a result, you were always chasing external validation, hoping it would finally make you feel worthy.
©Sharon Martin, LCSW. A version of this post also appears on the author’s website.
References
Martin, S. (2019). The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
