How to Support a Friend Who Is Estranged From Family

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Estrangement from family can be an incredibly isolating and painful experience. For those who have chosen to distance themselves from their family, the loss can extend beyond immediate relatives, impacting their entire support network. As a friend, your support and understanding are needed.

This post will help you understand the importance of support for those experiencing family estrangement and offer tips from my book, Cutting Ties with Your Parents, on how to support a friend who is estranged from their family, including what to say and do, things to avoid, and ways to include them in your family gatherings.

The Importance of Support for Estranged Individuals

When someone becomes estranged from their family, they often lose a significant portion of their support system. This happens when people side with the family member they’re estranged from, are judgmental and don’t accept their decision to cut ties, or pressure them to reunify (Scharp, 2016).

Having a nonjudgmental and empathetic friend is especially important, as estrangement is often a lonely and stigmatizing experience. Some simple gestures can help your friend feel less alone and provide a sense of belonging that will help them build resilience and a new, supportive community.

Supportive Things to Say and Do

• Express empathy and validate their feelings. Recognize that estrangement is a significant loss and can be as painful as any other type of loss.

Examples: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be really tough.”

“Your feelings are completely valid. It’s OK to feel hurt and angry.”

• Listen without judgment. When people share their experiences, emotions, and thoughts surrounding family estrangement, it’s not our place to pass judgment. Aim to be a good listener; give them your full attention so they experience your care and acceptance.

Example: “I’m here for you if you ever need to talk or vent.”

• Check your biases. If you have a hard time providing empathy and nonjudgmental support, it may be due to preconceived notions or unconscious biases about family relationships and estrangement. Most of us were taught that family is forever, and we should maintain family ties at all costs. If you grew up in a reasonably functional family, it may be hard to believe that some family relationships are a source of immense pain and trauma.

Questions for self-reflection: What was I taught about family relationships? Are there ever acceptable reasons to sever ties? If so, who gets to decide what’s a valid reason?

• Include your friend in your family activities. Invite them to family gatherings, holidays, and celebrations. This can help your friend feel less alone, especially during family-centered holidays.

Examples: “I’m hosting my family for Thanksgiving this year. I’d love for you to join us.”

“Our door is always open for you, no matter the occasion.”

• Offer physical affection, if you’re both comfortable. Sometimes a hug or a gentle touch on the shoulder can offer more comfort than words.
• Respect their boundaries. This may include understanding their need for time alone or distance from certain topics. Don’t suggest that they reconcile or re-establish relationships unless they express a desire to do so. And if you know their family, don’t share family updates unless your friend has asked you to.

Example: “If you want to talk about your family, I’m here, but I don’t want to overstep so I’ll let you take the lead.”

• Support their choices, whether it’s maintaining estrangement, seeking therapy, or any other choices they make for their well-being. It’s generally unhelpful—and sometimes condescending—to act as if you know more about what’s right for someone than they do.

Example: “I support whatever decisions you make for your own well-being.”

• Celebrate their milestones. Acknowledge and celebrate birthdays, achievements, and other important events in their life.

Example: “I’m so happy for you! Let’s celebrate your promotion together.”

• Offer practical help. People who are estranged from family may need help with tasks that family members typically assist with, such as acting as an emergency contact, providing a ride home after surgery, or child care. If you're in a position to help, it can lighten your friend’s stress in meaningful ways and also strengthen your friendship.

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Example: “If you ever need a ride to the airport or a medical appointment, let me know. I’m willing to help.”

• Have fun together. Engage in activities together that bring joy, distraction, and a sense of normalcy. Invite your friend to do a shared hobby, see a movie, or another activity that can help take their mind off their family and provide moments of happiness.

Example: “I’ve been wanting to see the new Marvel movie. Are you around this weekend? It would be fun to go together.”

Things to Avoid Saying or Doing

• Avoid judgmental comments. Be mindful that you don’t say or imply that estrangement is wrong or that your friend should reconcile with their family unless they express a desire to do so.

Examples: “I could never cut off my family.”

“How can you abandon your parents after all they’ve done for you?”

“People are so quick to end relationships. They need to learn to work things out!”

• Don’t minimize their experience. Doing so invalidates their pain and suggests that you know better than they do.

Example: “Your family can’t be that bad.”

• Avoid pressuring them to reconcile. Respect their decision and avoid pushing them toward reconciliation or actions they’re not comfortable with.

Example: “You should try to make up with your family. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

• Don’t betray their trust. When a friend confides in us about their family difficulties, it's crucial to respect their privacy. Don’t share their personal stories or details without their explicit permission.

Conclusion

Supporting a friend who is estranged from their family includes empathy, understanding, and respect for their boundaries. By offering a listening ear, practical help, and inclusion in your family activities, you can be a valuable source of support. Your support can help them navigate the complexities of estrangement and find a sense of belonging and validation.

A version of this post was also published on Dr. Martin's website.