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Narcissism
Have a Parent With Narcissistic Attitudes and Beliefs?
Tips to help you face your truth.
Posted May 4, 2021 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Being open to acceptance is sometimes a slow (and frequently painful) first step.
- Just because your parent couldn’t unconditionally love and accept you, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to give yourself that affirmation.
- Denial can help you close the door on the bad, however, by doing this, you also close the door on the good, like opportunities and possibilities.
- Grieving the loss in a healthy way allows you to realize there is no going back. Your parent cannot undo the loss you felt.
If you were parented by a parent and/or their significant other who has narcissistic personality traits, getting the right information can help you decide if there is actual evidence that narcissism might be a factor in why you feel the way you do about them and yourself.
Being open to acceptance is sometimes a slow (and frequently painful) first step.
Allowing ourselves to grieve is the next step.
Building a Truer Understanding of What Actually Happened
But what do we have to do to build that truer understanding of what actually happened? It helps to reconsider what was said and done, then separate from it psychologically, so that we can begin to recover emotionally, and incorporate changes by adding to our behavioral choices/options.
Often, we must also begin to think about ourselves differently—with more love, forgiveness, and authenticity—so that we can change our relationship with the narcissistic parent. We may also have to consider the other parent as well, especially if the parent with narcissistic behaviors was enabled by the other parent. This can cause a disturbance in the couple’s relationship, as well as the family dynamics.
Getting the right support and, if necessary, treatment for any narcissistic traits we might be mimicking as a result of modeling the attitudes and behaviors of the narcissistic parent, is in our long-term best interest, as well as our current or future children’s interest.
A person can’t give what they don’t have, including the capacity for unconditional love and empathy. This almost certainly describes your problematic parent. Deal with whatever degree of shock and unhappiness this causes you. Just because your parent couldn’t unconditionally love and accept you, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to give yourself that affirmation.
It is vital to learn how to love and accept yourself, imperfections and all, so that you don’t look for it from others through the lens of what you experienced growing up.
From time to time expect internal resistance; our societal standard is June Cleaver and Father Knows Best.
Also remember that as children, it is developmentally normal to feel that we are responsible and at fault for what happens around us. Just because that is appropriate for our age range doesn’t make it a fact.
The Temporary Relief of Denial Comes With a Cost
Denial might even set in occasionally. It might feel like a resting spot from the work needed. The temporary relief of denial, however, comes with a cost. That cost is denial of the legitimacy of how we feel.
Denial can facilitate you in closing the door on the bad, however, by doing this, you also close the door on the good, like opportunities and possibilities.
The Narcissism Spectrum Disorder
Because narcissism is a spectrum disorder, your parent’s attitudes and behavior represent a given degree of narcissism.
The fewer narcissistic traits they have, the more likely the parent will be open to change. The further they are along the spectrum, the less likely they are to change or seek treatment.
Holding onto hope where there is evidence to the contrary, and failure to acknowledge the effect on us, slows us down in taking back control of our physical, emotional, and cognitive lives.
Fundamental acceptance of the reality is key to allowing us to grieve how we were treated or not treated with fairness and healthy love.
Are You Hanging on or Moving Forward?
Here is a checklist to help you decide if you are hanging on or moving forward:
- Do you continue to hope the next time will be different?
- Are you beating your head against the proverbial stone wall continuing to have unfounded expectations of your problematic parent?
- Are you behaving as the parent who isn’t loving and accepting you for who you are, by not loving and accepting them for who they really are?
- Have you given up on your parent and substituted someone else, or relationship after relationship, to expect them to meet your needs, instead of learning how to take personal responsibility for your own needs?
Achieving acceptance and grieving your loss in a healthy way is demonstrated by fully realizing there is no going back, and having that parent or anyone else make it possible to have the loss not have happened.
Being loved and accepted unconditionally as a child was your birthright. Unfortunately, it was one that you did not get met.
Moving forward, even a little battered and bruised emotionally, by taking responsibility for knowing what you need, making the effort to figure out where your need can be met, and investigating how to get enough of what you need to make the difference, is your right and your responsibility.
No one can know you well enough to do it better than you can for yourself. You are worth the effort!
Don’t talk yourself out of it or let anyone else try to talk you out of your truth.
Next post, we will take a closer look at doable ways to better assess the effects on us as both daughters and sons of narcissistic fathers and mothers.
