How to Stop the Blame and Shame of Hoarding

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Those living with Hoarding Disorder often spend exponential time and energy belittling themselves about what is wrong with them that they cannot successfully manage their environment. They repeatedly second-guess themselves about why they can’t “just clean it up.” They live in fear that they might be discovered, and the true condition of their environment might be revealed to others.

They cringe at the prospect of being judged as broken, flawed, or inadequate by others. They already believe it is probably true. How could it not be when they tell themselves the very same things? This leaves them in a chronic state of feeling overwhelmed.

The blockage to the progress they want and deserve is magnified by several other factors. Many of these factors have genetic foundations that cannot be identified, managed, and overcome without additional support. And still they judge and blame themselves, believing that the root cause is based on personal flaws and incompetence. Some suffer from perfectionism, a tyrant that demands unrealistically high standards and undermines their best efforts with messages that, if a task cannot be completed to perfection, then what is the point of starting and trying it?

The cycle of blame and shame is “overwhelming.” It freezes and immobilizes them.

When trying to make changes in life, it is important to remind yourself of the following (perhaps write these statements out on paper and tape them in prominent places in your home as a positive daily reminder):

1. It is part of being a human being to be less than ideal. I can be a flawed, imperfect human being just the way I was meant to be.

2. I do not have to be perfect or meet the expectations of others unless I consciously choose to.

3. I refuse to be in an adversarial relationship with myself, constantly needing to defend myself against myself.

4. I will be kind and gentle with myself when I experience that I have “missed the mark” in some important way. It does not matter how many times I fall; it only matters if I don’t get back up and continue to work at it.

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset (Dweck, 2007)

Self-acceptance involves a willingness to experience life, which means that you may not have enough skills or experience to achieve “good enough” yet. If you operate from a fixed mindset, you believe there is only one right way. Choices are either good or bad. From this perspective, any mistake you make is the result of not being good enough. You judge yourself in an absolute way against ideal standards or compare yourself to what other people accomplish (who may have other skills and more information) or others’ opinions.

Alternatively, if you adopt a growth mindset, you focus more on the process. If you are trying and continuing to learn, gradually becoming slightly more skilled at the task at hand, that is good enough. Instead of berating and undermining yourself with critical self-talk, you ask yourself, “What have I learned so far, and what do I still need to learn to continue making progress?” According to Dr. Jane Burka and Dr. Lenora Yuen, “Having compassion for yourself and seeing everything as a learning opportunity is the best way to begin developing a Growth Mindset when you have been previously operating from a Fixed Mindset.” If what you are trying to achieve is growth (which means moving from where you are to the next place, not to the endpoint immediately), then keep taking one step at a time, always moving in what appears to be the next positive direction.

It is still important to improve your choices and/or performance. Allow yourself to be “dissatisfied,” but do not go to the point of self-judgment, self-recrimination, and self-shame.

Try to substitute this message: I will remind myself that I am on my way to where I want to be. The fact that I have not yet arrived does not mean that I am or my efforts are inadequate or not good enough. I remind myself that every day I continue to move forward in the direction I need to go.

Shortcuts to Progress

Where clutter is concerned, try what Elaine says to herself many times each day as she “walks the talk”:

• Don’t put it down. Put it “away” (or as close to away as possible). Elaine recommends that the Permanent Place for things needs to be within three to four steps of where it will be used. It may seem like you are just moving piles around. You are not, even though placement may be incomplete because something else is in the chosen place now. You will remedy this when you get there. Stay focused on the area you are working on, one area at a time.
• Elaine also says to herself, “Just do it now; it never gets easier.” When you “just put it down for now,” you eventually must do it anyway, and by that time, it will be three jobs rather than one: 1. Pick it up again; 2. Remember where it goes; 3. Take it there; and 4. Put it where it should have been in the first place.
• Complete the task you most don’t want to do first. This way, it is over and done with. The remainder of the day is yours to enjoy, without it hanging over your head and nagging all day.

If you start implementing these shortcuts, it solves the clutter problem from both ends—decluttering the piles you have already and preventing new ones. You will see progress, and it might just bolster your self-esteem and ensure you that you are constantly taking one step forward.