Research by Stephen Porges, Ph.D. has found that when another person is empathically attuned, he or she sends signals to us that unconsciously calm us. To automatically control stress when flying, we link such a moment to the various sounds and motions of flight. Or, we establish links between flying and a romantic moment that controls stress in a different way. Romantic moments produce oxytocin, which shuts the fear system down.
These forms of emotional regulation take place unconsciously. When a face shows empathic attunement, it slows the heart rate and activates the parasympathetic nervous system. In a romantic situation, when lovers look at each other with total devotion, regarding the other person as the only person in the world, oxytocin is produced. Oxytocin inhibits the amygdala, and if enough oxytocin is produced, it shuts the amygdala down. Temporarily, it is impossible to feel fear. In this way, a lover's signals can brush away fear of physical intimacy.
Oxytocin is also produced when in the presence of a newborn infant, apparently to cause bonding between the adult and the infant, which leads the adult to protect the infant. Oxytocin is also produced when a dog and the dog's owner gaze at each other, for, as we know, dogs can be counted on for total devotion and looking at their owners as if they are the only person in the world.
A brief clip of Dr. Porges commenting on emotional regulation is at this link. Please note a statement he makes, "Our major role in life is making other people feel safe and calm. And when we feel safe and calm, then the emergent properties indeed start coming out. That's when we see the benevolence, the beauty, the creativity, and the boldness."
In our day-to-day living, much goes on that can trigger the release of stress hormones. The amygdala reacts to each and every thing that is not routine or that is unexpected. If we reacted to stress hormone release in a knee jerk way, we would run away and hide. Some of us, persons who have no ability to dampen the effect of these hormones do exactly that; they hide away in their home, perhaps even in just one room. By hiding away, they hope to prevent the release of stress hormones and thus to stay calm. But this state, called agoraphobia, does not bring peace and calm. Though the environment is controlled, the mind is not controlled. The person imagines what might go wrong. They might run out of money. Friends or family might not bring the things they need to them. Health problems could arise. Since such thoughts trigger the release of stress hormones, even this hermit-like existence does not bring peace.
But, I'm actually pointing to agoraphobia for a reason: a mentally healthy person does not have to hide from things that could cause the release of stress hormones. She can respond appropriately when stress hormones are released. The hormones are being released to call her attention to what is non-routine or unexpected. Thus, she—perhaps curious to see what is going on—looks to see what the amygdala has come up with. It may be something important; but it also may be irrelevant.
Here's an example. In my eighth grade classroom, I heard a "click." That sound was unexpected. My amygdala released a bit of stress hormone. The hormones forced me to look for the cause of the "click." I looked in the direction of the sound. I saw a pencil on the floor, still moving, having been dropped. Recognizing this as irrelevant, I dismissed the matter. The amygdala got the message and stopped releasing stress hormones. I refocused on what the teacher was saying.
If what the amygdala is reacting to is important, it might be an opportunity; something to take advantage off. Retailers try to stimulate our amygdalae all the time with ads that say, "Today only. Hurry! This sale ends at midnight. Get the widget you've been waiting for today for only $39.95!" Perhaps you spring into action and take advantage of the sale.
Or, what the amygdala is reacting to could be something that poses a risk. If so, you build a plan. And, if satisfied with your plan, commit it to action. At the point of commitment, the amygdala is told by the pre-frontal cortex to stop producing stress hormones. This is comparable to what happens when your phone rings; when you answer it, the ringing stops so you can carry on a conversation. Similarly, stress hormone release is terminated so you can shift your focus from the threat to carrying out your plan.
That's an important point. Some of us know a person whose executive function doesn't work well enough for them to shift from the problem to the solution. Let me explain. When the amygdala picks up something non-routine or unexpected, the stress hormones literally hijack your mind. Whatever you were doing or thinking about is dismissed, and you are forced to pay attention to whatever the amygdala has noticed. If your executive function is supposed to assess the situation. If action is needed, it is supposed to build a plan, and commit to the plan. But if executive function is overwhelmed by the stress hormones, it cannot carry out these steps.
I once owned a sailboat with a friend. He, a history professor, was not an experienced sailor. We were out one day in the Atlantic off the coast of Long Island when the cleat holding the jib came loose. I steered the boat directly into the wind and asked my friend to reattach the cleat to the jib. The jib, of course, was flapping in the breeze. My friend had trouble grabbing the flapping jib and became overwhelmed. He said, "Tom! Tom! We are going to die! We are going to die!" I loosened the main sail, and went up to the bow and reattached the cleat to the jib. This non-routine event triggered stress hormones in both of us. My friend, believing we were in great danger, could not formulate a plan: a. to grab the flapping jib with both hands; b. grasp the clew with one hand, and c. with the other hand, pass the cleat through the opening in the clew and close the cleat. Though this was a simple plan, my friend, far from shore when this unexpected event too place, could not organize this plan in his mind.
The point here is to understand that each of us needs some means of overriding the effect of the stress hormones well enough to allow our executive function to work, to assess accurately, to develop a plan of action. What can serve us in this regard? What can override the effect of the stress hormones? According to Dr. Porges's research, the Social Engagement system can override the effects of stress hormones when we (unconsciously) receive signals from the person we are with that they are attuned and trustworthy. But what if we are alone? We can also override the effects of stress hormones when trustworthy relationships have been built inside us; in the absence of a live attuned and trustworthy person, the built-in memory of the relationship with an attuned and trustworthy person can override the effects of stress hormones.
It has been said that in an emergency, we do not rise to the occasion. Rather, we descend to the level of our training. When training, we are generally with someone who is training us. As we are trained, that person's presence and confidence is embedded along with the steps being learned. Later, when challenged, we are able to carry out the practiced steps calmed and reassured by the mental presence of the person who trained us.
When a child attempts to do something but fails, if the parent reassures the child that the task can be reattempted, and sooner or later, will be done successfully, the parent's reassurance is embedded in the activity. The link between the activity and the memory of the supportive parent serves, when the task is again attempted, to override the effect of the stress hormones.
Porges calls the action that overrides the effect of the stress hormones the "vagal brake." The stress hormones that would otherwise rev up the heart rate are counteracted by the physical presence of a person who is attuned or by the psychological present of a person who was attuned when this activity was previously engaged in.
When someone is attuned—empathically attuned—to us, signals of attunement are unconsciously received by us. These signals calm. An infant who is fortunate links the mother's—and later the father's—calming presence to whatever the infant experiences, and thus feels safe in the world. As an adult, when stress hormones are released, he or she regards them as "user friendly" alerts that something needs to be checked out. For the less fortunate child, the release of stress hormones is not associated with support; the person is on their own, believes there is risk or danger, and must be in control or able to escape.
To automatically control flight anxiety, we establish links between each challenging moment of flight and an attuned face. Each moment that is non-routine triggers stress hormone release. But, since that non-routine moment has been linked to a face that activates the "vagal brake" the stress hormones of counteracted.
Or, we establish links between each challenging moment of flight and a romantic moment (or a moment nursing a child, a moment with a newborn) that produces oxytocin, the hormone that prevents the release of stress hormones.
With this double-barreled approach to emotional control, emotion during challenging moments of flight is regulated. But return to what Dr. Porges said in the video, "Our major role in life is making other people feel safe and calm." Social interactions with others can be based on one of two things: a. control, or b. cooperation. If a person can attune herself to another person, control is not necessary. And, as Porges says, "That's when we see the benevolence, the beauty, the creativity, and the boldness."
