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Boundaries
Go Ahead and Rock the Boat
Finding the courage — and words — to ask for what you need.
Posted January 7, 2025 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- You have a right to have your needs met in your relationships.
- Find your confidence before communicating your needs or boundaries to others.
- Prepare yourself for other people’s reactions and give them space to process your request.
In the first post of this two-part series, I discussed the importance of getting in touch with your own needs and wishes. This post is focused on how to communicate those needs to others, even though it may rock the boat.
Decide How to Respond to Your Needs
Now that you've acknowledged what you want or need, you'll have to decide how to respond. You might need space, connection, help, recognition, encouragement, safety, or time. You might need more sleep, more downtime, more conversation, or more inspiration. Whatever it is that you might need or want, decide how to best get that need met. Making a request of others, advocating for something, or setting a boundary are all possible options.
Find your confidence. When you're unsure about the validity of your wants or boundaries, then others can sense that and may not take you seriously. Take the time to make sure you feel confident before you communicate with others.
What are the reasons that this desire or need is important to you? Remind yourself that not getting your needs can lead you to feel depleted, resentful, unhappy, or lonely.
There is a cost to focusing solely on meeting other people's needs, even if you have hidden that cost for a long time. Know that a potentially stronger relationship or more grounded self may be on the other side of a conversation.
Craft Your Message
Decide how you want to phrase your boundary or request to the person.
Be clear and kind. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind.” Sometimes, people think they are being kind by speaking in vague or veiled terms, but this can leave the other person confused and guessing as to what you want. Other times, people over-explain themselves, blame the other person, or apologize, which ends up making their position look weak. Instead, speak directly and clearly about your request or boundary. Focus on yourself and don’t speak on behalf of the other person.
Share your reasoning — or not. You get to decide how much of your reasoning you want to share with the other person. If the person is likely to respond positively, you may tell them more about what led to you making this request or setting this boundary. This information could help them get to know you more.
For example, maybe you want to be moved to a different committee at work — one that aligns more with your interests. Making your request and sharing why you want to be moved is helpful information for your manager.
If the other person is likely to push back against your boundary, you may not want to provide very much explanation. One type of boundary problem arises from people who can’t hear no and try to control others into doing what they want (Cloud and Townsend, 2017). For those who have difficulty respecting your boundary, strive for a brief, clear statement and use the broken-record technique or end the conversation if they keep pushing you.
Don't undermine yourself. If you are used to pleasing others or silencing your own needs to smooth things over, expect that it will feel uncomfortable as you build this new skill of voicing your preferences and desires. Too many times, we make a request or set a boundary and immediately undermine it — "I could really use some help, but no worries if not! Actually, I'm sorry for even asking!" State your request or boundary and then don't undermine what you've worked so hard to communicate.
Dealing With the After Effects
Expect and Tolerate Their Reaction. Know that pushback is a normal part of change and do your best to stay steady even in the face of other people’s reactions, which may range from acceptance to surprise to anger to disappointment. Just because someone is disappointed does not mean that you did anything wrong or need to re-think your boundary.
Allow them to have their feelings and give them space to get used to the new idea. Trust that their initial reaction might not be their long-term reaction. New dynamics take time and courage to develop.
You May Rock the Boat. Remember that if your family system, organization, or group of friends has operated smoothly because you have always been willing to sacrifice your own needs, then the whole system may need to adapt and adjust accordingly. Voicing your own needs might mean that a system has to change and cause some conflict in the short term, so that can feel scary. Ultimately, it will help the health of the system if everyone is able to thrive and have their needs met. If a system or organization isn’t able to adjust to you having needs, then that is important information for you to have.
Finding Support
Have a Boundary Buddy. If communicating your needs and wants is hard for you, enlist a friend to be your boundary buddy. This person might help you decide what to say yes and no to or how to make a request of others.
Notice Red Flags. If you end up feeling guilty for voicing your needs because of how the person reacts or if you always end up apologizing without getting your needs met, these are signs that a situation may be unhealthy. If you feel unsafe expressing yourself in your relationship or if a person continues to violate your boundaries even after you have repeated them, you may want to re-evaluate the role of this relationship in your life. You can ask for space as you figure this out.
Remember, that you have a right to feel safe, valued, heard, and respected in your relationship, even when there are disagreements and conflicts.
References
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries updated and expanded edition: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
