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Self-Help

7 Steps, 5 Stages, and 3 Practices Toward 1 Goal

Why we love numbers when seeking wellness.

Key points

  • Our minds are programmed to seek simple solutions to complex problems.
  • Assigning numbers to the self-improvement process can be both comforting and confusing.
  • Allowing for uncertainty opens up unimagined possibilities.
Copyright Lawrey/Shutterstock
Source: Copyright Lawrey/Shutterstock

"Once the whole is divided, the parts need names. There are already enough names.” —Tao Te Ching

Chances are that if you’ve purchased a self-help book it has a number in the title. There are reportedly 7 habits of successful people, 5 love languages, 13 things mentally strong people do, 48 laws of power, 6 pillars of self-esteem, and 5 dysfunctions of a team, to name just a few. It seems we have a need to reduce our search for wellness into segments to make the effort feel less overwhelming. It’s hard to imagine a self-improvement bestseller with the title, There’s No Way to Quantify What It Takes to Be Happy.

This apparent fixation with numbering our way to healthier lifestyles makes sense when we consider the complexity of life and how our minds are programmed to break large things into smaller, easily-digestible pieces. Additionally, having set a number allows one to monitor progress and gain a sense of control over what often feels like a very wiggly world.

Counting the ways to self-improvement has deep historical roots. The Bible gave us 10 commandments, Buddhism prescribed the Noble Eightfold Path, Jainism has its 3 Jewels—and Paul Simon gave us “Fifty ways to leave your lover.”

I must confess that the allure of offering a step-by-step guide to coping with life’s challenges is so powerful that I’ve answered the siren’s song myself in previous posts. It’s hard to resist the urge to narrow down the buffet of options for wellness down to a limited-choice menu. Added to this is the conventional wisdom that when trying to attract readers to self-help literature, the addition of numbers increases the chances of getting noticed.

For the most part, there is little harm and sometimes some benefit to giving people step-by-step prescription for healthy living. However, problems arise when one finds that his or her current challenges fall outside the sequence of actions noted. Surely, there are more than just 7 habits that contribute to success. Undoubtedly there are far more than just 5 ways to express and experience love, and don’t even get me started on how many more ways beyond 5 that teams can be dysfunctional.

Many people I’ve met in therapy sessions have spent considerable time poring over the latest self-improvement offering like it was a shopping list. Like panicked shoppers before a big storm, many of these struggling souls are trying desperately to complete the task of solving their current dilemma before life sends them yet another rainy day.

I usually advise those caught in the “I still have so many stages to through before I feel better” trap to consider that despite our attempts to quantify the healing process, life is so wonderfully complex and, at times, confounding that stepping back to see the whole is sometimes the best approach. I will add that prescriptive measures that one can tick off like a “to-do” list leave little room for serendipity, synchronicity or miracles.

The Indian guru Nisargadatta Maharaj suggested that “the unexpected will certainly happen, while the anticipated may never come.” Kierkegaard wrote that, “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” It is the problem-solving mind that seeks pat answers to this “reality” and in doing so often misses the wonder of life. The step-by-step approach to solving life’s challenges, as if they were puzzles for which we only need to find the missing pieces, often ends with disappointment and a search for 5 Ways to Cope With Disappointment.

This does not mean one has to clear the shelves of all books that promise self-enrichment by adhering to a certain number of approaches. However, it might aid the healing process if these were looked upon more like recipes where, rather than having to strictly follow the formula, one can add or subtract to their own liking or taste. That seems much more digestible in the long run. For further clarification, I will direct you to my upcoming post, 5 Reasons Why Life Is Like a Banquet. (I told you: It’s hard to resist.)

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