Why You Probably Won’t “Let Them” in the Long Run

“Every complex problem has a simple solution that doesn't work.” —H. L. Mencken

I can always tell when a new self-help book has become a bestseller because clients spontaneously introduce it during sessions. Such has been the case with the current book, Let Them, by Mel Robbins. As with previous psychological go-tos, such as Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, and Who Moved My Cheese, I’m always curious as to how people interpret the advice and practice it in their lives. It’s no surprise that, like life in general, people experience self-help literature through their personal lens and often take away varying tips and tricks. Therein lies both the challenge and the caution.

Let Them is a step-by-step guide on how to stop letting other people's opinions, drama, and judgment impact your life and instead let go of the need to control them. The theory is that we can free up essential energy and lead happier lives if we stop trying to get people to be who we want them to be. The attraction is easy to understand. Pulling from complex philosophies such as Buddhism, Pragmatism, and psychological theories like attachment theory and radical acceptance, reducing these concepts into two simple words, and advising a step-by-step process, the author satisfies many people's need to hear, “It’s easy and this is how to do it.”

Most of the clients I’ve seen in therapy over the years who came for help with challenging people or situations in their lives would readily admit that they can’t change someone else or events not under their control. However, this did not stop their attempts to do so, as the reflexive and compulsive need to alter painful situations took over. It was never helpful in sessions to simply remind clients they are trying to fix something not in their control, and they should focus on themselves. This had all the same wisdom of the Doctor's response — when a patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this,” — to "stop doing that.”

The concept of “letting go” has been around for ages. The question “If someone tossed you a hot stone, would you hold on or drop it?” tries to make the obvious point that one should not hold on to pain. Like many psychological rhetorical nuggets meant to stun someone into an awakened state, this question misses the more obvious point that many people would not only not drop the hot stone but try to find ways to carry it and lessen the burn, find ways to cool it down, or just learn to walk around with burnt hands. This is the frustrating nature of the human mind and all its unhealthy tendencies.

As a therapist, I’m fascinated by what draws people’s attention when it comes to solving their problems and searching for happiness. Traditionally, many of us were trained to help people learn to be more assertive, to “find their voice,” and not let people take advantage of them. Phrases such as “People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with ‘welcome’ written on it," and “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness” pointed to the power of speaking one’s truth.

The Let Them theory seems to suggest that one is better served by letting people be who they are and that we should just be who we are. Critics of the theory argue that this approach opens one up to being easily manipulated and, in some cases, placed in danger, as “letting them” can be misinterpreted as permission to act in harmful ways. I would also suggest that it’s an oversimplification of the personal dynamics that exist in all relationships, and that are made more complex in love relationships, which are never so easily managed by a “you do you and I’ll do me," approach.

Most of us are never as habitual in our approach to life as when we are dealing with other people. Left alone, many suffering souls seem at peace. But throw them into the ring of relationships, and the unseen forces of past experiences, biases, genetics, self-deception, and the need for companionship take over. As someone who has worked with countless clients trapped in abusive relationships, where the control and power dynamics are on full display, I know the challenge of trying to help people break free from even these dangerous bonds.

Undoubtedly, scores of people will find relief in the theory and use it to focus more on self-control than forcing others to bend to one’s will. However, if history is any guide, the Let Them movement, which includes tattoos, will fade out of the limelight like other well-intended, but oversimplified, attempts to resolve the timeless issue of human unhappiness. Perhaps it will be followed by another take on living one’s best life that has condensed the wisdom of the world's philosophies, spiritual practices, and psychological theories into an easily digested offering, reduced this time to only one word and one step. Until that time, here are 3 choices one can choose from when one is facing life’s challenges:

1. Step In
2. Step Back
3. Step Away