Comfort or Counseling?

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“When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.” ― Lemony Snicket

I once asked a group of firefighters why they thought that most firefighters would seek out a chaplain rather than meet with a therapist. The immediate response was, “Because they want prayer and comfort.” I somewhat jokingly responded, “But I’m a therapist and I can be comforting.”

I’ve reflected on this response many times and see in it a deep truth that for many people, not just first responders, therapy does not always meet their immediate needs. This seems especially true in cases when someone has experienced a traumatic event such as the unexpected death of a loved one, a life-altering medical diagnosis, or a sudden alternation in lifestyle. As both a therapist and psychological first responder, I have gained insight into the distinction between counseling individuals and comforting them.

Curiously, the word “comfort” has many negative connotations, from being seen as soft soap, the killer of creativity, and something to be despised. Many therapeutic interventions even strive to move people out of their “comfort zones.” On the other hand, the field of psychology often touts the benefits of “creature comforts,” described as basic needs, and one of its leading theorists, Abraham Maslow, put together a hierarchy of those needs that is still offered as a go-to theory for understanding human development.

The question remains: Is seeking comfort antithetical to counseling or should they be seen as one and the same? While we await the final answer from the psychological community, countless people continue to struggle to find relief.

Most of the people I’ve seen enter into psychotherapy over the last 40 years would put it directly: They want to feel better. Also based on my experience, many people leave therapy because it did not help them feel better and, in some cases, made them feel worse.

The “No pain, no gain” mantra has been a standard aphorism in the field dating back to Carl Jung’s often quoted line, “there is no coming to consciousness without pain.” If what he meant was that life can be painful, but that pain can lead to increased awareness then he hit the mark. If he meant that the therapeutic process necessitates pain, many would consider that a swing and miss.

People often approach therapy in the same manner they would an Urgent Care medical practice: They are experiencing pain and want timely relief. Someone who is showing up with low blood sugar is not looking for advice on lifestyle changes to better manage diabetes, but an intervention to keep them from going into insulin shock. In the moment, managing the crisis is the need and future changes to lifestyle take a back seat.

Meeting people in the moment is what attracted me to the role of a psychological first responder and is the underlying element of psychological first aid (PFA) programs. Interestingly, this framework has helped me become a better practitioner and contributes to clients I see being more willing to engage in longer-term counseling once their identified need for comfort has been met.

Given the current societal, environmental, political and environmental upheaval, with an increasing number of people experiencing trauma in myriad forms, it makes sense that the fields of psychology and psychotherapy are shifting toward models that more people experience as soothing rather than distressing. It’s time to stop blaming clients for not benefiting from counseling and leaving before they’ve improved and focus instead on meeting clients where they are and mitigating their current stressors before looking for deeper wounds.

This is not to say that long-term counseling that dives into the waters of one’s psychological history and its many manifestations does not have a place. There are people who leave therapy for reasons that are directly related to their pathologies—those who suffer from the need to always be in control, or those who are drawn to unhealthy relationships, often find staying in therapy difficult.

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One solution is the model known as Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT). This approach arose not only due to insurance companies being leery of paying for long-term counseling sessions, but also the realization that emphasizing solutions over problems resulted in quick results and increased client satisfaction. Useful for a variety of mental health issues, SFBT allows people to remain in their comfort zone while at the same time exploring ways to expand this zone.

Due to the increasing number of people who have been exposed to traumatic events and the stress of living in uncertain times, it’s likely we need more than just psychological first responders showing up to provide comfort. We may need to establish PFA clinics where stressed-out souls can show up on an as needed basis, find relief, and obtain resources for further assistance if desired. These psychological urgent care centers could even take aim at the heart of the issues and promote, “We care about your comfort.”

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.