"Manfulness" and Meditation

“You can make any human activity into meditation simply by being complete with it and doing it just to do it.” —Alan Watts

Source: fizkes/Shutterstock

Mindfulness meditation is one of the go-to tools in my psychological first aid (PFA) toolbelt to help people in the aftermath of a traumatic event. I have found that selling this practice to mitigate the symptoms associated with a crisis event is easier with the women I work with. Many of the men I meet in these situations will often resist the offer and explain that they need something more concrete than simply “being aware” or, God forbid, learning to breathe.

I must confess that this response has also been my experience in my psychotherapy practice. I have concluded that there appears to be a negative polarity between testosterone and anything that smacks of a New Age antidote. This has been the source of endless frustration as I have witnessed countless men trapped in the egoic brain fog of trying to think their way out of suffering.

Randolph Nesse, MD, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Michigan and author of several books on evolutionary medicine, wrote, “Being male is now the single largest demographic factor for early death.” As a mental health professional with over 30 years of experience in the field, I not only second that thought; I would add that being male is also the primary obstacle to getting help to change that fact.

As a psychotherapist and carrier of the Y chromosome, I not only empathize with my brothers, but I, too, find that manliness often gets in the way of wellness. It’s well-documented that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to health. Our culture supports a “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality regarding our struggles. However, it’s a misconception that men don’t ask for help—we ask for it all the time—you know it as anger, rage, and acting out behaviors.

It should come as no surprise that, given this locker room mentality, many men turn a blind eye to the benefits of mindfulness meditation—the intentional practice of observing the present moment with a heart-centered approach to life. Despite the growing body of research pointing to the multiple health benefits of this technique, most men prefer to argue about their right to be ill, rather than sit still and silently observe the workings of their minds.

Some of the reasons why men don’t meditate include the following:

1. It feels woo-woo, just one step up from cooties.
2. Sitting still only takes place while fishing and watching sports.
3. Being alone with one’s thoughts can feel like being alone with a crazy person.
4. Fear of getting it wrong or having to ask for directions on how to do it.

While the obvious approach to leading men toward a meditative practice would be to give these approaches a harder edge, this only perpetuates the problem. While it would be easy to market extreme meditation, we fall back into the man-pit and inflame an already swollen ego. This, by the way, was the downfall of the getting in touch with your “inner warrior” movement. We also know from past experiences that moving to the other end of the continuum, where real men eat quiche, was an overcorrection and had no staying power.

What is called for is the middle path that runs through the origins of meditative practices. Men cannot be scared into developing a heart-centered approach to the present moment, nor will they be enticed by the promises that they will discover their true selves. What will pique their interest are the studies showing meditation builds bigger brains, and stronger immune systems, increases energy, improves memory, and increases libido.

Since many men avoid wellness activities when they become trendy and seem geared toward the female species, I suggest we develop the concept of manfulness—the practice of being fully aware of the obstacles that being a man presents and the willingness to see these obstacles as the very path to liberation from the constraints of manhood. Simply put, let’s drop the need to figure out what it means to be a man and make it more meaningful.

Meditation Essential Reads

How Meditation Reshapes Your Thoughts

5 Micro-Meditations to Reduce Stress

In addition to formalized meditative moments—spending time intentionally focusing on one’s internal environment—practicing the art of manfulness includes:

1. No longer living in the shadows of our fathers: Whether they were heroes or villains, our fathers all suffered from the same sense of separation from heart and mind.
2. Stop pretending that the phrase “boys will be boys” should apply to grown men: Inhabiting an adult body with a child’s mind is what turns a workplace into a playground rife with bullies.
3. No longer confusing excitement for happiness: Too often, thrill-seeking represents a cry for help, or at the very least, an attempt to keep one’s life moving so fast that slowing down to look at the carnage is impossible.
4. Realizing that anger is not a normal response to pain: Anger is, at best, an artificial substitute for tears when it comes to pain—the emotional equivalent of Aspartame.
5. Understanding that choosing between intellect and emotion is a false choice: Not only can you have both, but connecting these two elements is primary to a healthy life.

Whether or not manfulness becomes part of the man code will rely heavily on the willingness of men of all stripes to make it a priority. To prevent the meditative lifestyle from retreating into our past's black-light, incense-infused rooms, men need to come out of the shadows and share in awakening a new consciousness. Ironically, this new state of mind is as old as time and was pointed to by wise men throughout the ages. This means it is our turn to “man up” and honor our sage forefathers, not by following in their footsteps, but by seeking what they sought.