5 Signs That Love Is Real

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My friend Gina is relentlessly optimistic in love despite a series of relationships with unhappy endings. “This time is for real,” she told me recently. “Gary is my person. He calls and texts me throughout the day and wants us to spend all our free time together. He’s jealous if I even look at another guy or if I spend time with a girlfriend. He really loves me.”

I felt a sense of dread. There was another love bombing, controlling potential abuser, the latest of many in her life. Would it feel like love to her if Gary could tolerate some distance? If he were less likely to send constant reminders of his presence in her life?

Gina’s last boyfriend was distant, moody, and unfaithful. So, in contrast, Gary feels wonderfully attentive. But how long will his attention continue to feel loving rather than oppressive?

And when a relationship is in its early stages, how do you know if your connection is healthy and the growing love is real?

Here are five signs that love may be for real and built to last:

1. Love means showing up and caring about another in challenging as well as good times.

A loving partner is someone who is there when you need them—whether at a family or social function, to console you or celebrate with you when you have a disappointment or triumph in your work life, or to step up and offer TLC when you’re sick or recovering from an injury. About two months after I started dating Bob, the man I would eventually marry, I came down with a nasty case of food poisoning during the holidays, canceling our New Year’s Eve plans. I also canceled a lunch with my previous boyfriend, a doctor. The doctor said he was sorry I was sick and reminded me to drink lots of liquids and rest. He said he would see me for lunch after I recovered. Bob told me he was coming to take care of me.

I was stunned. I’d had boyfriends who took me out to wonderful dinners and one who took me on memorable travel adventures. But only Bob offered to care for me when I was ill, and he actually followed through. This was a turning point in our relationship.

2. Love means listening instead of planning a response—and tolerating repeated stories or news one would rather not hear.

If your new love can listen and really hear what you’re trying to communicate, not dismissing what you’re saying because it’s not what they want to hear or because you may have told them a story, a feeling, or a fear before, your relationship has possibilities. Being able to engage in difficult as well as delightful conversations and perhaps hearing a repeated story like a familiar song is the sign of someone who cares deeply about you.

3. Love means respecting personal space and boundaries and the need for time apart.

Beware of someone who feels that love means sharing everything—every moment, every aspect of your life. One client complained recently that his new wife insists on going with him to meet with some old male friends. Her presence changes the dynamics of the time together. His friends have welcomed her politely. But hanging out with the guys hasn’t been the same.

Her rationale: “We’re married now, so we should do everything together.” She let go of her female friends when she started dating her husband. She couldn’t understand why he might want to keep and get together occasionally with male friends he had enjoyed for many decades. Love means trust, and trust can mean not snooping through another’s phone or emails and respecting the other’s need for some time alone or time with friends that might not always include you.

4. Love means sharing, not blaming.

When you truly love another, you can share negative feelings—telling the other how some words or actions make you feel or your reservations about something they are planning that may significantly impact both of you—without blaming them. “Let’s talk about this and decide if this is a choice you want to make” is more loving and respectful than “You want to do what? I can’t believe you’d even think of doing that!”

In sharing feelings about a choice, you may discover a reasonable compromise. For Bill, it meant continuing his day job and completing college at night rather than taking day classes while his wife was the sole breadwinner.

“I just found a way to finish school despite Sherry’s initial objections,” he said. “We worked it out. She respected my desire for a degree and never complained about the limitations this placed on our free time and social life in the year and a half it took me to finish. This was a decision we made together.”

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5. Love means persisting together through the tough and the distant times.

One of the saddest things I’ve noticed in my years as a marriage and family therapist is the tendency of some couples to give up on love at the first disappointment, the first serious disagreement, or the first time of distance. When you’re in an intimate relationship, there will be times when you get on each other’s nerves and when you disagree, and as time goes on, you will notice that there can be cycles of closeness and cycles of distance in a continuous pattern. When love is real and your commitment strong, you can ride out those difficult times without panic or acting on the impulse to flee. You know that even in the dark moments when you’re feeling distant and disconnected, with love and time, you can find your way back to each other.