Being Your Own Person Is a Lot Harder Than It Should Be

In a world that preaches individuality, it is surprising to see how much conformity actually exists. Being a truly different individual takes a lot of conscious effort.

Psychotherapists talk about the concept of cognitive dissonance. This psychological concept relies on the fact that people want very much to believe that what they are doing must be the right thing to do. It is essentially a person falling into a cognitive trap of rationalizing, thinking, “Because I am doing something this way, that must mean it is right.”

We all live in a world where we do not like to admit that we are pretty much making it up as we go along.

Cognitive dissonance affects how people treat other people because if we see people acting differently, then our reaction is often to assume they are wrong. This leads people to live in a world where “different means wrong.” From a deeper perspective, cognitive dissonance is actually the person saying:

• “If they act, think, or believe differently than me, that means I am wrong.”
• “And I cannot admit that I am wrong.”
• “So, either they’re wrong, or I’m wrong.”
• “And I’m going to choose to say they are wrong.”

It is interesting to see how little the concept of uniqueness fits within this world. Being your own person is really tough. We are all pressured to dress a certain way, think a certain way, and act a certain way. But it is not even that superficial. As human beings, we are also treated in very negative ways if our sense of meaning and purpose does not fit what other people in our social group think is important.

This emphasis on conformity often leads people to one of two different extremes. It can lead to the person feeling that they have to totally conform, not only to what other people they know and see do, but also to the belief systems that other people hold. Or it can lead to another extreme, where everything the person does seems to be in rebellion against what other people believe.

As the existential philosopher Søren Kierkegaard said, becoming an individual is only authentic when the person is not impacted by the crowd in terms of what the person believes, values, or does. It can be useful to keep in mind his famous saying that “the crowd is untruth” as a way of reflecting that anything a person does simply to follow the crowd keeps that person from being a true individual. This applies whether it is following the crowd in terms of determining what to do and what to believe or following the crowd in terms of determining what not to do or believe.

In the field of comparative psychology, which addresses behavior across human and nonhuman animals, behavioral ecologist Rose Trappes (2022) emphasizes how much modern science has lost the idea of true individuality within the social environment and how much uniqueness is actually ignored at the expense of seeing how individual members of a species are affected, either positively or negatively, by what goes on with others.

It is not only the general public that has lost grasp on what it means to be a true individual. Science has lost that as well.

What all this shows is that it can be very difficult to live a life where you are not impacted by the behavior of others, whether it means feeling that you need to act, think, believe, and feel the same way they do or that you need to act, think, believe, and feel the complete opposite of what they do. Functioning in the world where you are working against what people say or do can be equally problematic on a psychological level as simply being like they are.

When functioning within a social group, it is important to think at each step, whenever you can, “What is impacting me here?” “Am I going by what I truly believe is right, or am I going with what I think other people are thinking and doing and then just acting in response to it?”

It is important to keep in mind the question: “Is my behavior based on what I believe, or am I simply functioning as a response to what other people say and do?”

Even if you fully incorporate what other people say and do but have processed it on a level where you believe that what they are saying and doing is right, not because they believe it but because you believe it, then it becomes useful. That extra step is very important.

And if all this seems tough, it is. Keep in mind that being a truly unique individual in a world that really does not value uniqueness or even welcome it as much as it seems to can be a very difficult step. But something being difficult does not mean it is unimportant.

Conformity Essential Reads

The Diffusion of Responsibility and Pull of Conformity

Why Conformity Is Rational

Just because you are different does not mean you are wrong.