Narcissism Is Difficult to Understand Because of Its Imbalances

Narcissism and the Animal World

Recently I had the chance to review an interesting email exchange addressing the question “What is the most narcissistic animal?” Actually the question was put more directly as “What animal is the best representative of narcissistic personality disorder?”

There was a variety of opinions but the most common answer was “the cat.” That is an understandable answer. Cats show very little care about people, or even in other cats. They typically seem unconcerned about whether others are happy with them. They will seek out petting, food or other signs of support from people who take care of them. But then they will walk away, as if finding very little reason to respond much to the very positive thing someone just did for them.

I like cats so I don’t agree with describing cats as unfeeling or uncaring. And I thought that was the reason that discussion bothered me. But after thinking about it I realized that what bothered me was not just that many of the discussion participants did not understand cats. It was they did not really understand narcissism.

Let’s start by looking at cats and how their behaviors really are not narcissistic. Cats can often seem aloof and uncaring. But when you delve deep into the science of cat behaviors it is not that their (sometimes) limited social behaviors are due to lack of interest. This aspect of their behaviors can be attributed more to their needing less response from others in order to be content.

When it comes to the major difference between the two most common domestic pets, cats and dogs, one of the biggest is that dogs are primarily social and cats are primarily solitary. This is certainly not “all or none” but it does reflect where both are on the socialization scale. Cats simply need less response from others to feel satisfied. Much as a camel who, spending most of its time in the desert, does not need much water to survive physically, cats do not need much response from others to survive socially.

Narcissism and the Human World

And that leads to one of the primary misunderstandings about narcissism. People who are narcissistic actually do need a lot of social reinforcement. They actually need so much that what is missing is any level of motivation to give that social reinforcement back. Narcissistic individuals respond to social reinforcement more like squirrels gathering nuts for the winter. They take in the nuts but do not give out any. It is just that the difference here is that the squirrels are preparing for a negative event (winter and lack of food access) that actually does happen. Narcissists take in positive social reinforcement to give them psychological energy, for fear they will need it for a negative event that never occurs. What they are afraid of and what they are preparing for, figuratively, is often a major focus of therapy with narcissistic individuals.

When trying to understand narcissism it is useful to consider that all humans are narcissistic to a degree. Being concerned about yourself and what you need to survive is important. For humans, this extends to what we need to survive physically but also emotionally. It is just that some humans (those with what is called “narcissistic personality disorder”) need much more and do not reciprocate in ways others would want.

Narcissism and a Complex World

It is also useful for understanding narcissism to recognize that there are actually two distinct types of problematic narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable (Miller et al, 2018). Looking at “vulnerable narcissism” can give you a better idea of problems associated with narcissism. Both types are similar but each emphasizes specific problematic aspects of narcissism. Whereas “grandiose” emphasizes the need for an individual to feel important, “vulnerable” emphasizes fear of not being seen in positive ways. One emphasizes behavioral patterns to get something to happen (i.e. look important) and the other emphasizes fear that the positive thing most coveted (i.e. looking important) will not occur.

When looking at both forms of problematic narcissism, what is very important to the individual is being seen (and knowing that they are seen) as important to others. Narcissistic individuals want others to see them as important and want this so badly that they have little to no concern about whether they feel or show others’ their value. This is not the same as cats or, really, any nonhuman animals. They do not give out much social reinforcement but do not need much either.

It is all a question of balance. Cat behavior is more of a balance between what is given and what is needed. Narcissistic personality is a severe imbalance between what is needed and what is given.

When dealing with someone who has problematic narcissism, whether it is the vulnerable or grandiose type, it is useful to keep in mind that the positives you give them (whether it is emotional, physical and/or verbal reinforcement) are likely having an impact. These positives are likely very much what the person is seeking. It is just that you cannot really expect that you will get much of anything back. Relationships with narcissists often are, and remain, a “one-way street.”