
According to some research, our sensitivity to negative expressions and threats varies with age. We’re most sensitive as teens, perhaps not surprisingly, and we grow less sensitive as we age. So if you’re going to scowl, make your scary face at Grandpa, not your teenage cousin. Adolescents are quick to spot the slightest signs of angry or negative emotions and react with fear or defensiveness. Perhaps that’s why they’re famously sensitive to peer pressure—especially negative peer pressure.
That’s an important insight for anyone who needs to talk to teens. But we should also put this generational difference in context. An older study by German psychologists found that seeing another person under stress activates your stress hormones. Stress is contagious. We leak our emotions to each other. It’s just that, apparently, teens are particularly sensitive to negative expressions.
Overall, men and women are affected in the same way; gender makes no difference, despite traditional assumptions that women may be more empathetic than men.
If stress is contagious and we leak our emotions, and if negative emotions are more likely to set certain age groups off, then you should be aware of your emotional state before and during an important conversation or a presentation, particularly if you're talking to teens. If you're stressed out, your audience will be stressed out. If you're angry, you'll provoke fear and defensiveness. Imagine what that does for communication. When we’re stressed, we don’t pay attention as well, we don’t concentrate as well, and we don’t remember as well.
So when you manage your emotions, and think about how your audience will receive them, you set yourself up for success. But what about that inevitable state of adrenaline-induced jitters? It's natural to feel nervous before a big presentation or important conversation. What can you do about to avoid making your audience nervous?
Three possibilities.
First, redefine the jitters. If you can convert your pounding pulse from a scary feeling to a positive one by telling yourself I’m excited! This is going to be a great talk! I’m full of energy! and so on, then you should do so. Those feelings of excitement will give you the energy you need to project a positive attitude to your audience.
Part of the work involved is to silence that little voice in your head that completes the doom loop begun by your racing heart, the one that says, Oh-oh; this is going to be bad ... The last time you felt like this was that time you bombed in front of the YMCA ... This is going to be a wreck too ... You need to replace that voice with the positive one that talks about how the feeling reminds you of the time you won at blackjack or went skydiving or proposed marriage, or something equally exciting.
Second, create an alternative emotional state. A slightly more sophisticated response to the problem of nerves is to create an alternative emotional state in your mind, one that relates to the topic you want to talk about. If you are telling a touching story, for example, then use a method actor’s technique and remember a time when you felt emotional in that way, using all five senses, working yourself into that state. The mental exercise required to recall and install the emotion has the added benefit of making you forget your nerves as you work yourself into the new emotional state.
Finally, calm yourself down. There are a number of techniques, from deep breathing, to various forms of meditation, which will enable you to maintain calm in the face of pressure.
But don’t be seduced by the appeal of a Zen-like state. Your goal should not be to have a normal pulse. The advantage of being in adrenaline mode is that your racing heart and zippy mental state, if not completely out of control, will enable you to move a little faster than your audience. You’ll be able to think on your feet better, and that’s a good thing, by and large. You can handle sudden issues that come up with aplomb, and answer questions that your audience has with impressive mental dexterity.
A little adrenaline is a good thing.
But stressing out your audience is not the goal. When you’re getting ready to speak, prepare your emotional state, and you'll leak good, relevant emotions.