The Push-Pull of the Festive Season: Creating a Holiday Game Plan

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If you’re like most couples, it’s time to begin having the “What are we doing for the holidays?” conversation. No matter how long you’ve been together, figuring out how to divvy up the holidays can be tricky. In fact, married individuals often report uncertainty about how to balance time between their family of origin and family-in-law, especially when it comes to holiday celebrations¹.

Adult children feel torn between engaging in their own family’s traditions and their family-in-law’s rituals. Additionally, married couples often want to create their own family customs. The conflicting demands and desires placed on couples during the holidays can lead to conflict and resentment across the family system.

For many, holiday traditions are not only special but sacred. Holiday rituals allow families to celebrate their identity, maintain their connection, pass along family values, and share stories. As a result, families often feel protective of these practices. Attempts to modify traditions can be viewed as an attack on or rebuff of the family.

Changing holiday rituals also creates uncertainty. Parents, for instance, may question their adult child’s commitment to the family or wonder if their child is pulling away if they decide to spend the holiday alone with their spouse or with their in-laws. Therefore, proper planning and communication are crucial to making the holidays the happiest time of the year for the whole family.

Determine Your Priorities

You and your partner need to determine what is most important to each of you during the holiday season. Is it spending time with your respective families of origin or having alone time as a nuclear family? Are there certain traditions you just can’t miss, but others you can give or take?

After reflecting on what is important to you during the holiday season, rank your top five priorities. Priority lists can be abstract ideas, “Have my parents spend quality time with our child,” or precise activities, “Attend service with my grandparents.” Then, through kind and thoughtful conversation, discuss your priorities, what is or isn’t realistic to fit in, and generate ideas for alternatives if you have to eliminate a ritual from your list. At the end of the conversation, you should have a list of traditions you will engage in this season, with both partners’ desires being represented (although it doesn’t have to be equally).

During these conversations, it’s important to use “I” instead of “you” language (which can come off as criticism), not generalize (e.g., “you never” or “you always”), and not put words (or emotions) into your partner’s mouth.

Instead of: “You always complain when we sleep over at my parents’ house, so I know you’ll veto this, but I want to stay at their place for one night.”

Try: “I would really like to stay at my parents’ house for a night. I know it’s not the most comfortable place to sleep, but it means a lot to me to be there.”

It’s also important to engage in perspective checking and paraphrasing (e.g., “What I hear you saying is…” or “You seem upset that…”) to ensure that you and your partner have a shared understanding and are on the same page.

Create a Holiday Game Plan

Armed with your holiday priority list, it’s time to make your holiday game plan, action items that translate your priority list into concrete plans.

This turns a priority like “Create a holiday tradition for the two of us” or “Have my parents spend quality time with our child” into something like “Cook a special dinner for the two of us and watch our favorite movie the week before the holiday” or “Stay at my parents’ house for two nights so they can have time with their grandchild.”

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Creating a game plan means negotiating. Ideally, you and your partner will collaborate and have both of your priorities met, like having Christmas morning alone at your house and then hosting both sides of the family. Everyone gets to be together, and you get a Christmas morning tradition for your nuclear family: “win-win.” Realistically, however, you will likely have to compromise (part “win,” part “loss”), such as splitting the holiday between your families, or even yield/sacrifice (one partner “wins,” the other “loses”), such as spending the holiday with your partner’s family this year, but your family next year. If it’s mutually agreed upon, yielding/sacrificing is OK as long as one spouse isn’t always “losing.”

When participating in rituals on your spouse’s priority list, be open-minded and embrace the moments that mean something to them. This is a way to connect and understand both your spouse and their family.

Communicate Your Plan

Sharing your holiday game plan can be nerve-wracking and cause even the most determined adult child to cave and abandon their well-crafted plan to keep the peace.

However, it’s important to remember that you and your partner are a team now and each other’s priority. Sticking with your game plan is important for your relational health and establishing healthy boundaries with your families of origin.

First, the adult child needs to talk with their own parents. Families have their own communication culture, and no matter how long you’ve been “in the family,” it is still different than having grown up in it. Your spouse likely knows how to best talk with their parents, even if it’s not how you would do it.

Second, communicate early. Don’t wait until the last minute to spring your plans on your parents. If you’re deviating from your usual plans, your parents may need to alter their arrangements, or they may experience some disappointment and may need a little time to work through those feelings.

Third, be direct and don’t hedge or make your statement less assertive. Being direct doesn’t mean being rude, but it does mean not giving your parent(s) an opportunity to sidetrack you or get you to cave. While being direct, you can also attend to your parents’ emotions.

If you say, “We were thinking about maybe spending the holiday at home just the two of us this year?” your parent can easily say, “No, you’ll spend it with us like always.”

Instead, try, “We decided that this year we will be spending Christmas at our place. I know it’s different than how we normally do things, and I am sorry if you’re disappointed, but it’s important for us to start our own traditions too. We were going to fly out the following week, if you have time in your schedule for a visit then?”

Fourth, use “we” language. Saying “we” shows you and your partner are a team and that you’ve made a collaborative decision. Do not single your partner out or try to blame them for your lack of participation: “Sally wants to spend the holiday with her parents, so we have to go to her family’s house.” This undermines your partner and can set up a scenario where your parents think your spouse is controlling or changing you even though you made a thoughtful, joint decision.

Fifth, come to the conversation with alternatives (like flying out the week after for a visit) and collaborate with your parents to modify and/or create new traditions. Your parents likely understand the need to change rituals based on their children’s stage in life, so work together to come up with something that works for all of you. You may even be surprised and learn your parents were looking for a change, too!