Compare-and-Despair is Especially Brutal Around Midterms

Negative comparisons, when we perceive others as better and/or ourselves as worse, can feel like a blow to the soul. College students, in particular, are struggling to negotiate a complex stew of expectations, desires, and obligations, and when they observe how others are doing, they can find many reasons to think they are not good enough.

Students are especially vulnerable to this since they usually negatively compare themselves to others in the very areas where they already feel lacking.

Source: Miriam Garcia/Used with permission

Perhaps most destructive, our perfectionist culture invites negative comparison. Being average or good enough is not okay. College culture celebrates getting a 4.0, sculpting a perfect body, excelling at sports or music, being awarded the best scholarship, winning a coveted internship, and even volunteering at the most notable nonprofit.

It can be hard, at this age, to realize that perceived failures and successes are temporary, ephemeral moments in a long journey. Here are some ideas for how students can learn to recognize and lessen negative comparisons.

1. Be Prepared

One of the best ways to deal with “compare and despair” is to know that, like all thoughts, we can’t control or stop comparisons; they pop into our heads outside our conscious control. If we expect that they will show up, especially around stressful times, negative comparisons become much less hurtful because they won’t be such a big surprise.

2. Build Self-Awareness

Recognizing and naming the negative comparison often stops the process in its tracks. Labeling the negative comparison can create distance from it, which then lessens the residual negative vibrations, without any further action needed. For example:

• “I notice that I’m doing a lot of negative comparing related to XYZ.”

• “I’m really judging myself against my classmate/friend today.”

3. Be Kind

Recognize the negative thoughts—and then simply be kind. It truly doesn’t help to pile on with more negativity or anger. Usually, a negative comparison indicates a need for kindness and gentle attention, not criticism. For example,

• “I don’t need to beat myself up. Everyone is on their own journey.”

• “I am being awfully hard on myself today. I don’t need to do that.”

4. Don’t Confuse Public Persona with Internal Reality

This relates to social media, but it can be true at any time. We only see people from the outside and the portrait they present; we can’t know their struggles, history, or how they feel inside. We need to remind ourselves that, if we knew their whole story and any pain they have dealt with, our comparison might be different.

At stressful times, our mental health will improve vastly when we can work on not comparing ourselves to others. It never helps to judge ourselves and always come up short. It doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn the skills to contemplate our thoughts and respond to them in a kinder way.