Seeking: True Love

Source: Milan Ilic Photographer/Shutterstock

As children, many of us played the card game “Old Maid.” The idea was to avoid being (stuck with) the unmarried woman (though some versions also included two extra “Old Bachelor” cards). Surely today such an idea is antiquated. While most Americans will ultimately get married, they marry later than ever before, with the college educated waiting the longest, but also being most likely to tie the knot.

Singlehood certainly has its perks — including the ability to not have to consult another person before pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner (again!). Singles do a better job of staying in touch with and helping their friends and family members, and single women in their 30s tend to be confident in themselves and happy with their current lifestyles. But what if you are interested in meeting someone to share a Valentine’s Day toast with? Should you pick up your phone and furiously swipe right?

Our research suggests that where couples meet can have a long-term impact on their relationships, ranging from how quickly they move in together to how accepting their families and friends are of their unions. Couples who meet through shared social networks or through pursuing common interests tend to perceive more social support for their relationships. Further, the engaged cohabiting couples we interviewed who met through close ties, like family or friends, were more likely to have the trappings of a wedding in place, like a down-payment on a venue, a date set, and a dress chosen.

Take Jared and Alisha, for example. The two met when one of their friends introduced them (and a few others) in college. Alisha explained that of their new crew, “I would talk to Jared more than anybody else, but regardless [of the fact] that my best friend told me that he was the guy I was going to end up marrying, I didn’t listen. It took 3 years, 4 years before I realized it.” Shortly after graduation, Jared got his first job, and the two became engaged with a proposal that their friends helped orchestrate and even participated in.

Eric and Dawn met through a shared interest, which was, as Dawn explained, “Like I meet all my boyfriends, playing basketball.” The two played pickup games for a couple of months before they referred to themselves as official. At the time we interviewed them, they had been a couple for over three and a half years. Other couples met through shared hobbies ranging from Latin dancing to card games to climbing Mount Fuji on a tourist excursion!

That’s not to say that meeting through weaker ties (like at a bar or online) cannot also be a cure for loneliness. Amy, for example, explained, “I always said I never wanted to pick up a guy at a bar, but I kind of did!” She told her story of spotting Kevin at a trendy, high-end Irish pub: “He was there by himself, and he was sitting at the bar, and I was like, ‘I’m going to go talk to that guy,’ because I’m not shy, and I was like, ‘He looks nice. I need to find a nice guy.'” She explained, “I was trying to get back in the dating scene after a breakup.” That initial conversation led to a “real” date and then romance, and the two married a few months after their interview.

Still, many of these couples who met through weaker ties had been engaged for years without yet setting a wedding date. Bill and Maria had met online, began chatting on the internet, moved to phone calls and visits, and finally Maria moved across the country to be with him. The two had been together for over 12 years and were engaged, but had not yet made firm wedding plans. Maria’s experience was common for couples who met through weaker ties in that there was a fair amount of skepticism from her family and friends. After a cousin expressed a lot of worries that Bill might be dangerous, Maria decided to hide the truth from the rest of her family. She said, “We didn’t tell them exactly how we met, because my parents would freak and think that I’m nuts that we met online, so we told them that we had met before, and then we re-hooked up online…” Since they did not already have a shared network, the two faced more reluctance about their romance.

Why might the ways that couples meet impact their next steps? When couples meet through family or friends, they have a built-in vetting system. If your best friend already approves of your new partner, that goes a long way toward facilitating a relationship, because there is already a built-in element of social trust. A similar thing occurs when couples meet in pursuit of a shared interest. Not only does it give couples something to talk about on those awkward first dates, but it also can tell you something about your prospective mates. Want a partner who is dedicated? Perhaps, like Greg and Natasha, you have seen one another spend hours at the gym month after month. Looking for a kid at heart? If, like Shane and Sandra, you meet through live-action role playing, you’ll know your mate has at least some of the characteristics you’re looking for.

Maybe you’re not looking for love right now — or ever! That’s OK, too. Perhaps you have excellent plans to spend the evening with your pals (what some affectionately call “Galantine’s Day”) or enjoying some time alone. But if you’re looking for love, where you look can be a crucial factor in who you find — and who you ultimately end up spending forever with!