When Couples Use Affection as a Reward

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We have many ways of getting our partners to do what we want. We can be direct and tell them what to do, or politely ask. And we can be indirect by displaying or withholding affection—depending on how they behave, we can try to control them with love. For example, a man might be standoffish with his girlfriend until she agrees to go to a football game with him, or a woman may shower her husband with praise and affection when he finally mows the lawn. New research investigates the potential costs and benefits of this type of "conditional regard."¹

Understanding Conditional Regard

Conditional regard can come in two forms—positive and negative:

• Conditional positive regard involves showing your partner more affection and acceptance when he or she behaves according to your desires or expectations, like the wife in the previous example.
• Conditional negative regard involves being less affectionate and accepting than normal when your partner "misbehaves," like the boyfriend in the first example.

Conditional negative regard is generally not a strategy associated with happy relationships. Those who perceive that their partners withdraw love as a way to manipulate them tend to be less satisfied with their relationship,² and children whose parents withdraw love can become less securely attached or resentful toward their parents.^3,4 The evidence on the effects of conditional positive regard is more mixed: It can sometimes improve relationships and lead to positive outcomes, but other times it can be harmful.⁵

Kanat-Maymon and colleagues propose that these two forms of conditional regard help us fulfill different needs.⁵ One need is autonomy. We have a need to feel that we’re independent and responsible for our own fate. So when we feel that our partner is trying to push us into behaving a certain way, that need isn't met. Both types of conditional regard—positive and negative—are a threat to our need for autonomy. Another need is relatedness or connection. We want to be cared for and accepted by others. This is where the two types of conditional regard differ. Because conditional positive regard involves receiving more love from our partners, it helps us meet relatedness needs. Conditional negative regard, on the other hand, actually hinders us from meeting this need, making us feel less loved and accepted.

How Instances of Conditional Regard Affect Us on a Daily Basis

In a study just published in Personal Relationships, Kanat-Maymon and colleagues asked 80 undergraduate students involved in romantic relationships to spend two weeks completing daily measures of perceived positive and negative conditional regard; satisfaction; and closeness.⁵ To measure positive conditional regard, participants rated the extent to which they agreed with statements such as “Today, I felt that my partner cared for me much more only because I satisfied my partner’s expectations and wishes.” For conditional negative regard, they rated statements like “Today, when I did not meet my partner’s expectations, my partner stayed away from me for a while.”

The results showed that conditional negative regard was unhealthy, across the board. People who experienced it more often tended to feel less satisfied with their relationships and less close to their partners. Also, looking at daily fluctuations in conditional negative regard, people tended to feel worse on days when they perceived their partner was withholding affection as a punishment, statistically controlling for how happy they felt the day before. These behaviors were more common in unsatisfying relationships, and had immediate negative effects when they occurred.

Things are more complicated when it comes to conditional positive regard. Those whose partners’ positive regard was dependent on good behavior tended to be less satisfied with their relationships, compared to people who felt that their partners' approval was unconditional. However, the daily results showed some benefits of conditional positive regard: People tended to feel closer to their partners and happier with their relationships on days when they were the recipients of such conditional positive regard. This means that a general pattern of bestowing affection on your partner as a reward could be a problem, even if it can make your partner happy in the short term.

According to the researchers, being rewarded with affection may temporarily fulfill our relatedness needs. It feels good, at the moment, to have our partners express love. But if that love is dependent on behaving in a certain way, it implies that our partners don’t really accept us for who we are. And over the long term, that can make us feel worse—and make it seem like our partners are trying to control us. That feeling of being controlled can then undermine our feeling of autonomy.

One limitation, pointed out by the researchers, is that this study relied on participants’ perceptions of their partner’s regard. So it is possible that they falsely believed that their partners’ affections were contingent on good behavior when that was not the case. So, at the very least, the study shows the effects of believing a partner’s love is conditional, but may not show the effects of that love really being conditional. (It is quite likely, though, that the impression that your partner’s affection is conditional is more important than whether or not it actually is.)

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It should also be noted that because this study was correlational, we don’t know if feeling that your partner’s affection is conditional causes dissatisfaction in the long run, or if couples that are unhappy in the first place are more likely to resort to these tactics. It is possible that unhappy couples are especially likely to use affection as a coercive tool because there is already underlying dissatisfaction with each other’s behavior.

The relationships examined in this study were relatively short and the sample consisted of college students. It would be interesting to see how these dynamics play out in more established couples. Might the effects of conditional regard be worse in more established couples, who have more time to build up resentment? Or would more established couples be more resilient to behavior that might be considered insulting?

Overall, these results suggest that using affection as a reward may be an effective way to get your partner to do your bidding, and it may move them to feel closer to you. But while it may seem like a win-win strategy, the frequent use of such strategies could alienate a partner in the long run, especially if he or she is convinced that your love is conditional.

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