How Perfectionism Undermines Creativity in Children

Nicole loved to paint in elementary and middle school. There wasn’t an inch of her room that didn’t display one of her masterpieces. But when she entered high school, her parents and the school counselor noticed that she began to develop significant anxiety about becoming “the best painter” in school. By her senior year, her work was technically proficient, but her art teacher noticed a lack of creativity, often wondering why her apt pupil was holding back on her potential.

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For our perfection-obsessed culture, this scenario is unfortunately common. Many creatives find that the joy of creation has taken a backseat to the tense feeling of being “not good enough.” But in an effort to be the best, do we somehow short-circuit the one thing you need the most to be truly “good” at your art?

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism is a common issue with artists and other creatives. After all, who doesn’t want to create something extraordinary or amazing? For someone in a less creative field, perfectionist tendencies might help them achieve, although there can be high costs to personal happiness, especially in interpersonal relationships. However, for creatives, perfectionism can have significant consequences. When an artist is too afraid of failure to take necessary risks, perfectionism can undermine innovation and creativity, while simultaneously elevating anxiety.

The desire for perfection usually has its roots in childhood. The influence can come from social pressure that a child experiences in their home or school. For some, the influence of a very important person in the child’s life contributes to the creation of the child’s impoverished, insecure self-concept. Perfectionism then can become aspirational, a way to secure the positive regard of that person and often others.

Two models offer explanations for the development of perfectionist tendencies at home.

1. The social learning model suggests that children mimic their parents’ perfectionism. They can replicate their parents' behavior through modeling. Learning can take the form of “I’m just like my mom. Everything is just so.”
2. The social expectation model suggests that self-worth somehow becomes contingent on performance. Such parents often set high expectations and offer conditional approval. Criticism for underachievement is also common. The message can translate to the child as “I am worthy if I’m the best artist in the studio.”

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The role parents play in perfectionism

Fred’s mom told him when he was 4 that he would one day be a famous writer. His grandfather had been a well-known poet, and they never let Fred forget it. Often, mom’s messages to her son focused on high achievement, and her words implied that failure to get into the “best” schools would result in a catastrophe from which his artistic reputation would never recover: “You have to make the best grades in the class.” Failure to produce award-winning stories often led to sharp, disappointed looks and a withdrawal of affection. Fred soon learned to associate failure with shame.

Maria, on the other hand, had a parent who showed curiosity about her children’s interests. Mom and dad often told their children to “try everything and see what you like.” When Maria tried physics in high school and earned a solid C, her dad praised her for sticking with it, then helped her see that struggling in this subject helped her develop new emotional “grit” that would help her in other areas. Later in life, Maria became a composer who was known for taking risks in her work. She still remembers something her mother told her when she was little: “I expect you to fail, Maria, because that’s part of learning new things. Everyone fails before they succeed.”

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The difference between Fred and Maria is obvious. One child learns that perfection must be achieved consistently and that acceptance and affection depend on it. The other is taught that failure is a helpful teacher.

How can we support creativity without resorting to “perfection” messages?

When guiding your child in healthy striving rather than perfectionism, focus on developing skills and competence.

1. Avoid statements like “We don’t allow anything less than an A in our household.” Parents should opt instead for “Work hard and take healthy risks.”
2. Teach children that failure is a normal part of living and a necessary part of experimentation and growth. “Everybody fails when they try new things. Nobody’s perfect. You can learn from your mistakes.”
3. Remind children of the many successful creative figures who experienced failure as they developed their skills: Walt Disney, Steven Spielberg, Zora Neale Hurston, Frederick Douglass, Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, to mention only a few. “Everybody struggles to accomplish their goals.”
4. Focus on effort, not outcome. “You worked long and hard at solving that problem. Great effort.”
5. Do not overvalue the reactions of others to the child’s accomplishments and struggles. “Other people don’t always judge things fairly or rightly.”
6. Teach children to be kind to themselves, allowing positive reinforcement and optimism to encourage more risk-taking. “What went well during the science project? How might you use that skill again in the future?”

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Competence is the core message, not excellence or superiority. Competence actually fuels innovation and imagination, as it frees the child from fear of failure and rejection. A strong self-concept allows children to take risks that allow imagination and innovation to run unobstructed.

Parents and external support figures like teachers can help prop up and develop the child’s self-concept by putting the focus on effort and steady progress. Through that process, they can make failure less frightening and the development of creativity more likely. You can find more information on healthy parenting and how children build a healthy self-concept in my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children.