The Unexpected Consequences of Treating Your Child as Special

Janie was always a winner, at least that's what her father told her. Compared to her more "ordinary" middle school friends, she had the most potential as an athlete. Her poetry at the sixth-grade literature festival soared past the other entries, and she received heaps of praise for getting the blue ribbon, which showed just how much smarter and more creative she was than the other kids in her class. On a regular basis—at the dinner table, on the way to school, and in casual conversation—her parents told Janie how very special she was, and that they had expectations that matched that. Years later, when she was having trouble in interpersonal relationships and struggling with anxiety, they just couldn't understand why being "special" wasn't a cure for all of life's ills.

How in the world could all that praise backfire? After all, isn't telling your child how wonderful they are a good thing?

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Children thrive with regular doses of parental warmth and unconditional love, and often that takes the form of encouraging words that help children feel seen and understood. However, encouraging words that constantly set your child apart from the group—the specialness trap—has a tendency to encourage narcissistic development, which can have serious consequences later in life.

The Risk of a Fragile Self-Concept

It may seem counterintuitive to parents that telling their child that they are “special” could have serious negative consequences. But such good parental intentions can result in a child’s identity being predicated on a sense of being “better than” others. A self-concept built on being special is fragile by definition, demanding of achievement and recognition. No child can consistently maintain superior performance. In the absence of positive feedback, their positive self-view cannot hold, potentially giving rise to anxiety, depression, and even self-loathing. Telling a child “You're special to me because you’re my daughter” is a lot different from “You are special in comparison to everyone around you.”

Often, the specialness trap comes with a tendency to press unrealistic expectations on children. In the case of Janie, she had noticed over the years that second place got a much cooler reception at home, but third place, which she once thought was fine, had become a point of embarrassment for her, as she'd learned to read the disappointment on her parents' faces. When she didn't end up getting into the “best” college, her deep anxiety was rooted in an unconscious belief that her parents loved her because she was special.

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The Growth of a Lonely, Isolated Child

Shouldn’t being special draw lots of admirers and friends? Won't that child feel the warm embrace of society from day one?

Ironically, a child raised on a constant diet of “You are special” (i.e., you are better than others) often suffers from loneliness. Being “better than” means standing above and, often, alone.

At the heart of positive human experience is recognizing that you are a part of something bigger than yourself, a part of the human race. There is comfort and connection that goes with knowing that most people are just like you and go through similar journeys and hardships. However, being “special” means that a child is at risk for having no real peers, only acolytes and followers. They often fear that if they don't live up to the expectations now baked into their personalities, they will lose the “conditional love” of their friends. Even when friends do love them unconditionally, they often have trouble believing it.

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So How Do I Talk to My Child When I'm Impressed With What They Can Do?

Telling your child that you’re impressed with the level of accomplishment is not the same as constantly comparing them to people who do not possess the same level of accomplishment. It is the comparison element that causes the problem here.

Try these kinds of messages out instead:

• “You worked so hard on your math facts, and now you’ve mastered them.” Not “You mastered your math facts before everyone else in your class. You’re the best.”
• “Your French has consistently improved, from your vocabulary to your accent.” Not “Your French teacher says you’re her best student.”
• "Your time on the 100-yard dash has improved by almost two seconds. Great job." Not “Your time trial ranks you number one in the state. The gold medal will be yours.”
• "You’ve improved your writing skills year over year. Topic sentences are precise. Supporting facts clear. Summary statements compelling. Great job." Not "You’re a shoo-in for the Headmaster’s writing award. Your score on the practice writing test was the highest given. Your teacher knows how exceptional you are.”

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And What if My Child Actually Does Have Special Skills?

What if your child has virtuoso piano abilities or scores a perfect score on the SAT? If you have a child in the gifted and talented program or a child who excels in astonishing ways on the soccer field, you should give them positive reinforcement. But there is a difference between praising this skill, which is only a portion of who they are, and praising them for being an “exceptional person.” A child who may one day be first-chair violin is not a better human being than their friend, who has very ordinary violin skills. It is only that skill or talent that is better. It is a small distinction, but an important one.

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Positive Messaging for the Child With High Skill Levels and Talents

Sample general message:

“Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. One of your strengths is in ____. It's important to know that as you may want to invest in developing that talent. One of your weaknesses is in ____. It’s important to know that so you’ll be aware that you’ll have to put in extra effort to make good progress.”

Sample specific messages:

• “You are particularly talented in phonics, which likely means you’ll excel in languages of all sorts. You might choose to give that a try.”
• “You have a knack for music and may want to take extra classes.”
• “There is no doubt you’re a fast runner. It’s a talent you may want to develop.”
• “You have a gift in mathematics. Things seem to come easily for you in that area. That’s something to celebrate.”

It is important for every child to feel loved by and special to their parents. But being uniquely loved is different than being regarded as superior.