The Invisible Type of Emotionally Neglectful Parent

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The most common type of emotionally neglectful parents is also the most difficult kind to identify.

They lurk in fine neighborhoods, fine jobs, and fine houses. They create fine families, and if you are friends with them, they appear to be absolutely fine.

They may drive their children from one sports activity to another, stay on top of schedules, take family vacations, and help their kids with homework. They may even love their children and strive to do their best to raise them.

Yet they make one crucial mistake that, even though it’s not their fault, leaves a lasting mark on their child.

Many are mostly kind and welcoming when their adult child comes to visit. But despite all this, there are telltale signs. There are ways to know if your parents are of this ilk. We will get to that later.

First, we must talk a little bit more about how emotionally neglectful parents are made, where they come from, and how they parent.

The Well-Meaning-But-Neglected-Themselves (WMBNT) Parent

The key to the most common type of emotionally neglectful parent, the Well-Meaning-But-Neglected-Themselves (or WMBNT) parent, is summed up by their title. These parents want to do right by their children, but they can’t. It’s because they grew up emotionally neglected themselves. WMBNT parents cannot give their children what they do not have. Unfortunately, it is that simple.

Because childhood emotional neglect is so very common, so are emotionally neglectful parents. And since emotionally neglectful parents are so common, so are emotionally neglected children. It’s because these children grow up to be parents. The cycle continues, and on and on it goes, passing down through generations until someone finally sees what’s happening and calls a halt to its insidious process.

The WMBNT Cycle

1. A child is raised by parents who are blind to emotions.
2. That child grows up with their emotions ignored and under-validated.
3. The child is not able to learn that their emotions are real or have value. The child is not able to learn how to identify, name, express, tolerate, or use their feelings.
4. Emotionally “blind,” the child grows into adulthood without adequate connection to their emotions. They are lacking the emotional skills they need to thrive and are blind to feelings in general.
5. Once they become a parent, the emotionally neglected adult is blind to the emotions of their own children, and they cannot teach their children the emotional skills they don’t have themselves.

There are so many different varieties of WMBNT parents that we cannot possibly talk about them all. But here are the three common categories.

3 Types of WMBNT Parents

• The Struggling Parent: These parents want to be there for their child, but they can’t. They may be working several jobs, trying to keep food on the table, trying to care for a special needs child or family member, or struggling with a physical or mental illness. The struggling parent may have good intentions but is simply too drained, distracted, or busy to notice what their child is feeling and respond to it.
• The Physically Present But Emotionally Absent Parent: These parents are around. They may be a stay-at-home mom or dad, a parent who coaches your Little League team, or the room parent of your class. In this situation, you can see your parent, but you cannot feel your parent. You may see that your parent loves you through their actions, but it’s hard to feel that love.
• The Achievement-Oriented (or AP) Parent: The AP Parent is heavily invested in your success. Many genuinely want to see you excel at something you are passionate about. Others are earnestly trying to give you the opportunities that they didn’t have themselves while they were growing up. Either way, in the process, they can become overly focused on one aspect of the child and miss the essence that makes them who they are: their feelings.

Unintentional Harm

What makes these parents qualify for Well-Meaning status? They think that they are doing what’s best for their children. They are acting out of love, not out of self-interest. Most are simply raising their children the way they themselves were raised.

This is what we human parents do. We automatically follow the “programming” that our parents set up for us, and to change that programming, we must first be aware, and then we must make a conscious choice to do something different from what our parents did.

Children of Well-Meaning parents generally grow into adulthood with heavy doses of three things: all the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect — emptiness, lack of fulfillment, and feelings of disconnection — a great deal of confusion about where those symptoms come from, and a wagonload of self-blame. That’s because when, as an adult, you look back at your childhood for an explanation for your problems, you may see a benign-looking upbringing.

Everything you can remember about your childhood may seem fairly normal and fine. That’s because you remember what your well-meaning parents gave you, but you cannot recall what they were unable to provide.

“It must be me. I’m flawed,” you decide. You blame yourself for what is not right in your adult life. You may feel guilty for the seemingly irrational anger that you sometimes have at your well-meaning parents. You also struggle with a lack of emotional skills since you had no opportunity to learn them in childhood.

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Since WMBNTs are difficult to identify, how do you know if you have them? Look for these signs, taken from my book, Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents & Your Children.

6 Signs That You Have WMBNT Parents

1. You have a love for your parents and are surprised by the sudden anger you sometimes have toward them.
2. You feel confused about your feelings toward your parents.
3. You feel guilty for not loving your parents as much as you think you should.
4. Being with your parents seems boring or flat.
5. Your parents don’t see or know the real you, as you are today.
6. You know that your parents love you, but you don’t necessarily feel it.

Okay, so I know what you’re thinking: If I have WMBNT parents, does this mean that I am one? Do not panic, but the answer is that you may well be. It is very, very important for you to remember that this is a legacy handed down to you by the generations that came before you. It is not your fault. And it can be reversed!

What to Do

The first step is simply understanding. Learn what childhood emotional neglect is, how it develops, and how it may have shaped the way you relate to yourself and others. Awareness alone can bring an unexpected sense of relief. It gives you language for experiences that may have felt confusing or hard to explain for years.

If you want clear guidance for navigating your relationship with emotionally neglectful parents, and practical ways to respond differently with your own children at any age, the book Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents & Your Children offers concrete help and direction.

You did not choose this. Yet you have been living with its effects for much of your life. What makes this moment different is that you can now see what was missing. Your parents and grandparents likely could not. They were doing what they knew how to do.

You know more now. And that knowledge gives you something powerful: choice.

By noticing, understanding, and responding differently, you become the one who changes the pattern. Quietly. Intentionally. In a way that matters.

That is how childhood emotional neglect stops moving forward. And it often begins with just one person deciding that their emotions, and their child’s emotions, will no longer be ignored.

A version of this post also appears on emotionalneglect.com

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

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