Mindfulness and Self-Compassion as Foundations of ADHD Care

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I’ve found that there are no secret solutions, but everything is better when I remember to be mindful and compassionate to myself. I mean, sometimes it feels soul crushing to try and try and it feels like nothing works fully or sticks long enough and nothing ever changes. I want to curl up and quit. But when I remember self-compassion, I’m able to keep at it even when it seems mundane and like it should work easily. Everything does keep getting better, now that I’m not so hard on myself. — Jennifer, 17

If a friend starred on the swim team and hurt her shoulder, we’d probably offer her emotional support. We’d say something like, “Oh, that’s awful! Can I maybe carry your backpack?” We’d also encourage her to do whatever work has to get done in the gym to get back to full strength. And yet for ourselves, if we hurt our shoulder, both the prospect of going to the gym and the disappointment of missing swim season might overwhelm us.

It’s common to live life one way although we’d recommend something entirely different for someone else. It can be helpful to consider what you’d suggest to a friend in the same situation

What would you recommend for a friend having a hard time with ADHD? For starters, ADHD affects planning. What attitude would you encourage for a friend who was challenged with planning a project?

Your ADHD can prevent you from living the life you want to live. Having ADHD means that you struggle to complete certain things that others seem to do easily—or at least without as much stress. When this happens, your negative voice starts chattering: You’re such an idiot! You’ll never be good at anything! Inside that spin, it’s hard to stay motivated. So it can be useful to imagine exactly what you’d tell a good friend: Yeah, I don’t like asking teachers for help either, but if you’re going to pass that class you probably should go to office hours.

Self-compassion requires exactly this: talking to yourself as you would talk to a good friend. Mindfulness teacher Sharon Salzberg calls self-compassion our main engine for change. Switching to that power source requires no special equipment. All you need is yourself. It’s one huge step toward taking the wheel back from ADHD and taking care of what you need more easily.

With that in mind, let’s try an exercise: You’re going to imagine that your good friend has ADHD and see what you might say to her.

This exercise has two parts.

Part One: Imagine that a good friend with ADHD forgot about a big science test and didn’t study. As a result, he did poorly. He felt terrible about himself. He came to you and expressed how upset he was about forgetting and his grade. Now write down how you might respond to your friend. What would you say? What would your tone of voice be?

If you’re like most of us, you might say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I know how you feel. That’s happened to me. It’s so hard to remember everything, but I’m sure you can fix it. Let’s go hang out and talk about it.” You’d comfort him and sort out what to do next so he remembers to study next time.

Now … for Part Two: Imagine that this situation happened to you. Imagine you forgot about the science test, didn’t study, and got a bad grade. Now … What would you say to yourself? What words would you say and what tone of voice would you use? Write this down, too.

If you are like many of us, you probably would say some self-critical things like: I screwed up AGAIN! The teacher’s been talking about it for two weeks! Why can’t I keep track of these things?! Ugh! I’m such a jerk!

How is your advice for your friend similar to or different from how you usually treat yourself? What would it be like if next time you have a problem, you say to yourself the same words that you said to your friend? Rather than putting yourself down, say something to yourself more like, Oh, I’m so sorry this happened. It’s hard to remember stuff, especially with ADHD. I know you’re trying really hard. But this is hard, so be patient!

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It might seem weird to talk to yourself this way, but try it. What can it hurt? See if that shift in perspective—What would I tell a friend right now?—makes it easier to figure out what to do next. Don’t try to force yourself to feel or think differently. Just notice your habits, and remind yourself another approach is not only possible but available through the practice of mindfulness.

Summing It Up

Mindfulness helps us recognize when we’re struggling and when we’re not being kind to ourselves. And then, with self-compassion, we treat ourselves better, like we would a good friend. Self-compassion also recognizes that we deserve to live our lives without beating ourselves up so much. That’s more practical than it seems; it allows you to stay on target as you navigate whatever you face day to day, whether it’s paying attention in class, getting homework finished, or cleaning your room.

Letting go of short-term striving and expectations, we can each take proactive steps toward a more skillful, intentional and compassionate life—with or without ADHD. Set the intention of practicing mindfulness and self-compassion, and step-by-step, a new way of living with yourself and your challenges will follow.

Adapted from Mindfulness and Self Compassion for Teen ADHD, by Mark Bertin and Karen Bluth, published 2021