Using Envy to Your Advantage

I recently wrote a blog post about “shadow careers” where someone else is in the spotlight and you are in a supporting role. A shadow career isn’t necessarily good or bad: it’s a choice, and when made for the right reasons provides a meaningful experience. But how do you know if you’ve made the right decision? How do you know if the career you’ve chosen (whether shadow or not) is fulfilling? Here’s one clue: envy.

Envy is an interesting emotion and can be invaluable in helping you craft a more meaningful and fulfilling life. According to my quick Google search envy is both a noun (“a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck”) and a verb (“the desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to someone else”). Most of us have experienced envy at one time or another. But have we made the most of it?

When it comes to tackling my clients’ emotions, envy is one of my favorites. I am secretly pleased when a client says they envy someone else. Because envy is an excellent clue: envy tells me you aren’t happy with what you have and that you would rather have or be something else. It’s a great place to explore what could (and perhaps should) change in your life. A former student of mine was joylessly pursuing a major that everyone else thought was right for him. We talked about the logical and rational reasons everyone gave him for pursuing this major, including the lucrative career opportunities it presented. But within minutes he started telling me that he secretly envied his friends who were taking interesting literature and history courses. His eyes lit up and his voice became animated as he discussed a required English course he was taking— and how much he loved analyzing Joseph Heller's "Catch-22." I asked him what his fantasy career would be. He quickly replied “supreme court justice” or “environmental policy analyst.” We started focusing on an initial career plan in policy and data analytics. He pursued an English major and also took courses in courses in math, political science, and history, all of which prepared him for his future and made his college experience more meaningful and enjoyable.

A Harvard Business Review article,“Envy at Work”, notes the damaging effects envy can have in the workplace: low self-esteem, professional jealousy, resistance to teamwork, etc. Authors Tanya Menon and Leigh Thompson cite one of their studies where workers were presented with ideas for improving their organization. When the workers thought the suggestions came from an outside source, they were more willing to implement them. When they thought the ideas came from colleagues (potential rivals they would envy) they were less likely. The researchers note that envy can cause one to feel a loss in status in the workplace which leads to “distancing and disparagement” of others.

Menon and Thompson cite an interesting Indian word, mudita, which Buddhists define as “rejoicing in the good fortune of others.” They note that practicing mudita can be the start of reducing the damaging effects of envy. Learning to use someone else’s success as a way to motivate yourself, celebrate others, and stop comparing yourself negatively to others can radically shift your emotions away from envy and awaken your internal power. Turn the focus on yourself and consider ways you can improve your situation.

Making positive use of envy starts with self-awareness and insight. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Whom do you envy? Who has something you would like to have (whether it’s a tangible object, a personality trait, a job title, etc.)?
• Can you identify the specific changes you would like to have in your life or your career?
• How could you take a step toward achieving your desires?
• What behaviors will you need to develop or practice to make these changes?
• If you envy someone's income, how can you increase yours? Maybe it’s time to seek a better-paying job or start a side business.
• Take note—maybe it’s not someone's income so much as how they spend their money. Maybe you envy their vacations. If so, start a vacation fund. What vacation would be your dream and how could you move toward it?

Finally, is there something you’ve been afraid to do in your work life, a chance you haven't been willing to take? Is it because you have made a rational assessment, or is it because you’re afraid? And if you’re afraid, what exactly are you afraid of? One way to tackle your fear is to work through a chain of thoughts by simply asking yourself, “And then what would happen?” Here's a great post on using this cognitive behavioral approach to dealing with worries.

Start using envy as a launchpad to discover what you really want. Envy can be the first step to a happier future. Instead of comparing yourself negatively to others, develop a plan to make your life one that others will envy.

©2018 Katharine S. Brooks. All rights reserved.