Caring for Yourself While Your Loved One Has Cancer

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Supporting someone diagnosed with cancer can be exhausting one minute and rewarding the next. Inevitably, the tension between the needs of the caregiver and the needs of the patient can feel overwhelming. The medical team’s focus on the patient can leave caregivers feeling sidelined, “out of the loop,” and often carrying a larger burden of the financial, home, and childcare duties. Unpredictable work absences and lack of time for self-care can cause caregivers to feel depressed, anxious, angry, and overwhelmed.

Most caregivers report unmet personal needs, with nearly half identifying greater than 10 unmet needs. Some studies suggest that caregivers have higher levels of anxiety than patients.¹ Talking about your needs is not selfish and does not diminish the struggle of your loved one. Suffering is not relative. It just is. Developing a plan to meet your needs is an important act of self-care that will allow you to better care for your loved one. Answering these three questions can help get you started.

1. How can I make caregiving a group effort?

Write down everyone who reached out to you and your loved one. Think about their strengths and take them up on their offers of support. Create a caregiving task list and assign responsibilities to friends and family. Examples could include providing transportation to medical appointments, delivering groceries, carpooling children to activities, or providing quiet companionship at home. It may help to designate a trusted friend to be the lead in this effort or to create an online shared calendar. Remember, your goal is to provide relief for you and your family, not micromanage support.

2. What outside sources of help are available?

Call your insurance company and ask about resources for patients undergoing cancer treatment. Ask to talk to a social worker at the cancer center or hospital. You might be surprised to find there are volunteer organizations that offer free housecleaning or rides to treatment. If employed, ask your human resource department about the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), employee assistance programs (EAP), or relief funds. Sometimes employees donate money or time off to support co-workers in difficult times.

3. What do I need?

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You are an important part of this journey. Be honest about when you will reach your breaking point and make a plan to prevent that from happening. Set boundaries with your friends and loved ones. For example, ask them to text you instead of calling or send cards instead of visiting unannounced.

Ask a trusted friend to stay with your loved one once a week so you can get away for a walk, shopping trip, or other solo activity. Be firm in accepting the love behind advice but not acting on every person’s "miracle cure." A simple “We appreciate your love and will discuss it with our doctor” is enough to acknowledge the thought and end a conversation.

Caring for someone with cancer is difficult, but you are not alone. Assigning tasks to supportive friends and family, reaching out to outside resources, and prioritizing your personal needs will help make the rollercoaster of cancer treatment a little easier for you.