7 Secrets for Having Great Conversations

One of the most important and enjoyable things you can do is have a great conversation.

A conversation is the tarmac from which some of life's greatest adventures can take flight. Simple conversations can have life-changing consequences.

A casual conversation at a photocopier in 1997 between Prof. Katalin Kariko and Dr. Drew Weissman led to an important scientific breakthrough. And that breakthrough laid the foundation for developing the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines that have now saved millions of lives from COVID-19.

And then there was that fateful meeting in Liverpool, England in 1960, when John Lennon and Paul McCartney fell into a conversation, and hatched the idea of starting a new band.

A conversation can change your life.

Here are seven things you can do to make sure you get full value and enjoyment from any conversation you’re likely to have:

1. Never check your phone during a conversation

We live in a culture in which 9% of Americans check their smartphones every five minutes. It’s almost like a reflex. But if you want to have a good conversation, don’t check your phone. Don’t even have it visible.

2. Don’t gossip

We live in a world where lots of fascinating people are doing lots of fascinating things. But if it’s their news, let them be the ones to talk about it. Nothing can shut down a good conversation quicker than gossip.

3. Begin with an invitation that sets the tone

One of the best ways to start a conversation with someone you don’t know is to simply say, “Tell me about yourself.” The magic of this phrase is that it tells the other person that you’re interested in them.

4. One of the most important aspects of conversation is listening

Basketball great Bill Russell once said, “I did all my best playing when I didn’t have the ball.” The same is true of conversation. Learn how to be an active listener. Listen for the things your conversation partner is interested in and passionate about. Then follow those. Ask questions.

5. Expect to be surprised

One of the delights of a truly great conversation is the unexpected twists and turns it can take along the way. Often leading to things you never expected and could never have predicted.

I have been amazed at times by things that have emerged from my conversation partner. Also, I have sometimes been equally amazed to hear myself saying things I had never even thought of before. They often bubble up from the yeast of the conversation.

6. Your conversation insurance policy

Sometimes you find yourself entering a conversation situation when you are tired, distracted, or preoccupied. This is the time you need to draw on your “conversation insurance policy.” This is a bag of stock questions I use to engage the other person, find out about his or her interests, and get started sharing. Here are some of my favorite questions:

• What is your favorite movie? There are often surprising answers to this question. Have your own favorite movie on hand to share. One of my favorites is Buster Keaton’s silent movie The General.
• If you had to have a different livelihood, what would it be? (I have a psychiatrist friend who is a professional magician.)
• Do you have a hero? And if so, who? One of mine is the conceptual artist John Baldessari. Another is the french essayist Michel de Montaigne. Both fascinating people.

There are endless other questions like these that can start a conversation. Use your imagination.

7. One of the best ways to be primed for great conversations is to take periodic excursions into the realm of silence

Every three months or so I drive to a Benedictine Monastery in the high desert north of Los Angeles and take a three-day silent retreat. Silence is crystalline and clarifying.

To engage in the systolic enthusiasm of communication, we need to also set aside time for the diastolic quiescence of silence. So that it's balanced, like the heart.

So these are seven keys, like tugboats, that can help launch you into a great conversation. That leaves one additional key that I think is the most important of all: Have fun.

© David Evans.