'I'm Here for You, Man': 5 Ways Men Can Check on Their Friends

One of comedian Micky Flanagan’s most popular stand-up routines describes him coming home after a night out with a friend. His partner asks how the friends’ wife was and was shocked that Micky hadn’t enquired after her. “You didn’t ask him how Sue was?” she said incredulously, to which Micky replied, "Are you joking? I didn’t even ask him how he was!" The punchline was consistently met with big laughs from the audience at the different types of relationships that men and women have with their friends.

But does the premise of Flanagan’s joke hold true? Are men really less likely than women to have in-depth, personal conversations with their friends? The research overwhelmingly says yes. Trinh and Choukas-Bradley (2018) explored the communication styles of male and female peer groups and found that males are typically more constrained by social norms in terms of what they do and don’t talk about. Acceptable subjects for discussion include females’ appearances, sexual behaviour, and sharing jokes, including mercilessly taking the mick out of each other. Trinh and Choukas-Bradley found that this behaviour works to affirm masculinity, elevates the status of those within the peer group, and strengthens the bonds between male friends. All good things, right? But where in this relationship is the incentive for men to actively look out for each other?

Each time a prominent male suicide is reported, such as after the death of celebrated chef Anthony Bourdain, the same messages are shared online about men looking out for other each other and checking in with their mates. Unfortunately, this advice is rarely accompanied by guidance on how to have that kind of conversation. If your relationship with your friends is primarily based on jokes, banter or discussing who’s likely to win the league this year, it can be difficult to suddenly turn around and ask how they’re doing, or if they’re struggling with their mental health.

The reality is that most boys and men aren’t explicitly taught how to say things like “I’ve noticed you’re not yourself lately—are you OK?” or “Do you want to talk about it?” Here are five useful phrases to help with this type of conversation:

1. “Hey, you’re pretty quiet—are you OK?” This can be a useful conversation starter if you’re not sure what’s wrong, or even if you’re not sure that anything is wrong. Maybe your friend’s stopped coming out so much or just doesn’t seem themselves. Letting them know that you’ve noticed and you want to check in on them is a good way to start a discussion about how they’re doing.
2. “If you ever want to talk or grab a coffee, just let me know. I’m here for you.” This is a useful phrase if you’ve done an initial check-in with someone using the previous phrase and they insist that they’re fine. Letting them know that you’re there for them and willing to be a listening ear means that if they do reach the point when they want to open up at a later time then they’ll hopefully remember your offer and know that they can reach out in a way that feels comfortable to them.
3. “Thanks for telling me; I’m here for you.” If your friend does choose to open up to you, they might feel awkward or embarrassed afterward that they have broken the social "rules" of what men should talk about. They might even be scared of appearing weak or less "masculine." You can reassure them that it’s a good thing for men to open up to others and that you’re glad they chose to tell you. Being honest about your struggles takes real courage and explicitly saying this to your friend can help reassure them about their decision to open up to you.
4. “I don’t know what advice to give you, but I’ll help you find support.” It’s OK not to have all the answers. If your friend opens up about a problem, and it feels too much to deal with alone, you can help them find support from the right person. That might mean finding a helpline to call to discuss their mental health or offering to go with them to the GP to make an appointment, or even sitting with them while they phone their partner to reveal how they’ve been feeling. These types of actions may not traditionally be part of male friendship "rules," but being willing to do this is at the heart of what it means to look out for your friends.
5. “There’s no shame in asking for help.” You can let them know that it’s OK to reach out to their friends and reassure them that they’ll receive support and affirmation. Another way to phrase this would be to say, “It's OK not to be OK.” The important thing is to reduce any fear or shame they may have about speaking out, so they feel able to open up and seek help.

It’s always going to be tricky to start these kinds of conversations, especially if your friendship is usually based on banter or more surface-level topics. But the bottom line is that real friends, the ones that are truly there for each other, would never ignore their struggles or tell them to "man up." Real friends notice, reach out, and say, “I’m here for you, and you don’t have to go through this alone.”