How to Deal When You Feel Judged

"When they judge you, yawn. When they misunderstand you, smile. When they underestimate you, laugh. When they condemn you, ignore." — Matshona Dhliwayo

At some point in our lives, most of us will experience the harsh judgment of others. While this is an expected part of life, it can be exquisitely painful. Below are strategies to help you better understand judgment and find relief from the discomfort of judgment so that you can move forward and thrive.

Let’s start by exploring some facts about the psychological tendency to judge:

• We all judge, even when we don't mean to. Most of us were raised to be cautious about judging others. There are countless religious teachings and sayings on this subject, such as “Judge not, that ye be not judged” or “Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes.” Yet, even when we strive not to judge others, our brains have a tendency to pass judgment unconsciously. Indeed, judgment is a habit of the brain rooted in survival, cultural conditioning, personal values, and biases we may not even be aware of. Often, judgments reflect fundamental thinking errors (like attribution errors and the actor-observer bias) that we can all fall prey to.
• Some people judge because they want to help. Some people believe that their judgment or outrage will change your behavior. For example, many people hold strong ideas about right and wrong. Depending on their life experiences or personality, they may feel responsible for calling out perceived wrongdoing in order to shape the world in the "right" direction. Their condemnation stems from an effort to control and improve behavior or situations (according to their personal beliefs). Usually, these people are not aware that empathy actually works better than criticism or punishment in changing behavior.
• Some people judge because of their own insecurities. Often, people have the most negative reactions to the qualities they refuse to acknowledge in themselves. For example, a person who judges your mistakes is likely uncomfortable with their own imperfection. Or if someone calls you selfish, they may feel overlooked and resent their difficulty putting themselves first. This is the idea behind the concept of the shadow self, introduced by Carl Jung. Our shadow parts are those emotions, urges, and traits that we deem unacceptable and unconsciously reject. When we haven't recognized, accepted, and integrated our shadow selves, we may overreact and unfairly judge others who can openly express those aspects of themselves.

Now that we understand judgment, let's look at some strategies for mitigating the discomfort that arises when we feel harshly judged:

• Consider the source. Ask yourself: Would I take advice from this person on how to live my life? Is this someone with the life I want? If someone who is moving on a vastly different path or with different goals and values is judging you, trust that their opinion doesn’t matter. Save your energy for the feedback of people who are living the life you aspire to or who share your core values.

• Look for the kernel of truth. The most painful judgments are those that contain a kernel of truth. Use your discernment to find the truth. For example, you don’t have to accept an accusation that you are a selfish and dishonest person, but it may help to accept that you have behaved selfishly and dishonestly (if that is the case). Simply accepting any aspect of the situation that is your responsibility can help you move forward, rather than feeling stuck.

• Practice self-forgiveness. Every human is subject to weaknesses and mistakes. In this case, your mistake may have been simply confiding in the wrong person! Let your mistake (however minor) deepen your connection to others: We have all made mistakes. Actively embrace your humanity and forgive yourself when uncomfortable feelings arise.

• Focus on what you can control. Focus on your actions moving forward. We can’t change what's in the past. We can’t control how others react. But we can make amends, respond to judgment with dignity, and spread love. Focus your energy and attention there. If you notice your mind migrating to things you can't control, gently call it back. And then take a small, positive action (e.g., helping someone, offering a compliment) that's within your control.

• Forgive the judger. When thoughts of the person who has judged you come to mind, send them forgiveness. As outlined above, people often judge due to ignorance, unresolved issues, and the need for control. A quote that captures this idea is “Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.” Let their judgments be a reflection of their own problems. And show them the empathy and compassion they failed to offer you.

Finally, I offer these tips for moving forward once your emotions have settled:

• Find the lesson. Ask yourself: What lesson can be gleaned from this experience? Perhaps it is to be careful who you trust with your vulnerable truths. Maybe it's to behave more thoughtfully or find a therapist to help with unhealthy patterns. It may be as simple as the importance of withholding judgment! Mine whatever gold you can from this situation, and let that lesson be the closure you need to move forward.

• Ground yourself in supportive relationships. Feeling judged can be deeply isolating. And yet, for every person who judges you, there are at least a couple who understand you, give you the benefit of the doubt, and want to have your back. Leaning into these relationships can help us find safety and reassurance that we are still worthy and lovable, even if we've made mistakes.

• Focus on spirituality. What others think doesn’t matter if you are living in alignment with your spiritual beliefs. Surrender your worries to whatever higher power you subscribe to, and trust that you are already forgiven, that you learned this lesson for a reason, and that you are on the right path.

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