Yes, Parents Do Favor Certain Children More

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A new, broad study of nearly 19,000 people determined that parents tend to favor their children who have certain characteristics. Birth order, temperament, and gender can play into a parent’s preferences, according to the study, published in January by the American Psychological Association.

The researchers found that:

• Daughters—and children of any gender who were more conscientious, responsible, organized and agreeable—were likely to get better treatment from their parents. Parents were also more likely to give older siblings greater autonomy, possibly because they were more mature.
• Siblings who receive less favored treatment tend to have poorer mental health, and struggle to regulate their emotions. Their family relationships are more stressful and strained.
• Favorite children tend to have better grades, healthier relationships, and greater ability to emotionally regulate.
• One conclusion was that parents may find these children easier to manage and therefore may respond more positively to them.

Taking into account overall treatment, positive interactions, negative interactions, resource allocation and control, the study found that parents show favoritism in a variety of ways, including:

• how they interact with their children
• how much money they spend on them
• how much control they exert over them

Who holds the most-favored status can change over time, depending on circumstances. Also, unrecognized factors may influence a parent’s behavior. For example, a child may remind a parent of a beloved relative, or the child may simply be more emotionally attuned to their mother or father.

Those who are less favored, according to the study, tend to get into more trouble at school and home, and may have difficulties in adulthood as well. They appear to be at higher risk for substance use, poorer mental health, and poorer family relationships.

“The next time you’re left wondering whether your sibling is the golden child, remember there is likely more going on behind the scenes than just a preference for the eldest or youngest,” lead study author Alexander Jensen, an associate professor at Brigham Young University in Utah, said in a news release. “It might be about responsibility, temperament or just how easy or hard you are to deal with.”

Favoritism: A risk factor for sibling estrangement

Siblings are especially sensitive to parental favoritism, a risk factor that can lead to estrangement. Research by Karl Pillemer, a sociologist, gerontologist, and professor of human development at Cornell University, suggests that between two‐thirds and three‐quarters of mothers have a favorite child, and that their children are keenly aware of a parent’s partiality.

Children become aware of a parent’s preferences at an early age. Young children, particularly those who are close in age and in direct competition with each other for parental attention, are extremely sensitive to favoritism. Children are acutely aware of their surroundings and socially sophisticated — sometimes before the age of 2, according to research by Judith Dunn, a social developmental psychologist who is a professor emeritus of developmental psychology at King’s College in London.

Dunn conducted pioneering studies in the field by observing siblings in their homes instead of a laboratory, and observed that 15‐to 17‐month‐olds closely monitor how a mother treats an older sibling. She saw that the greater the difference in maternal affection and attention among children, the more hostility and conflict arose between siblings. In addition, she found, children know how to hurt a sibling, and how to comfort or intensify each other’s pain — knowledge they carry throughout their lives.

The drawbacks of most-favored status

On the surface, as children, siblings may wish to be the parents’ favorite. As part of a survey I conducted for my book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers; Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, Kristin Townsend, 43, of Concord, New Hampshire, stated that no one wins when favoritism is in play. The youngest of five children, she believes that her siblings resent her because their mother spoiled her. She explains that siblings often blame favored children for their own status in the family, yet no child asks to be the favorite. In fact, those who are favored often feel guilty, worry about living up to high expectations, and become depressed over small setbacks.

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Another responder to my survey, Marco Bertelli, 71, of Sacramento, California, warned his parents when he was a teenager that favorably comparing him with his two younger brothers would ultimately damage his relationships with thise siblings. The Bertelli parents didn’t listen. Marco, meanwhile, proved himself to be a serious student, serving as a high school class president, attending an Ivy League school, and becoming a prominent lawyer, while his brothers struggled to make a living.

My folks would say to my brother who is three years younger, “Why can’t you be like Marco?” I kept telling them, “Don’t do this.” But they laid that on thick, and that created tension between us. One of my brothers resented me so much that at one point in our adult life, he just stopped talking to me.

This new research should make parents mindful of how favoritism can hurt all family relationships. Jensen says he hopes that this study illuminates nuances in these crucial relationships; he also hopes the study helps parents and clinicians recognize these damaging patterns.

“These findings matter,” Jensen explains, “because they give parents a launching point to think about which of their children they may tend to treat more or less favorably.” Siblings are different from one another and often have to be parented differently.

Jensen insists that it’s crucial to check favoritism and “to ensure all children feel loved and supported.”

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