A New Holiday Tradition for the Estranged: Quit Social Media

Source: Glen Carrie on Upsplash

For those hurting from a cutoff with a sibling, right now may be the ideal time to shut off social media apps. You’ll spare yourself the hurt of exclusion from holiday gatherings.

The world of social media can be dangerous territory for the estranged. Browsing on social media during the holidays carries a heightened risk of jealousy and FOMO (fear of missing out). Many users, after viewing photos of other “happy” families, feel envious. For the estranged, those festive images can be particularly unsettling.

“My friends post pictures with all their sisters, husbands, and children having a get‐together,” says Julianna Turner, a 54-year-old Scottish Latina who hasn’t spoken to her brother and sister in five years. “I scroll through the same pictures for hours. It looks so fun and heartwarming. I’m crushed that I will never have that.”

"Perfect" lives on social media

No matter how intense their longing, the estranged aren’t likely to find satisfying or accurate information on social media. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and similar “sharing” outlets tend to be more about posturing than connecting, says Dr. Brian A. Primack, dean of the College of Education and Health Professions at the University of Arkansas. He has conducted research on the effects of media messages and technological advances on health.

Users distill their activities into a few words and photos, consciously displaying themselves in the most positive light. Many aim to create a carefully designed, “perfect” social media version of their “perfect” lives. “Even though it seems like the people you are interacting with are very ‘real,’” Primack says, “their messages and feeds are in fact very highly curated.”

Even worse, exposure to an estranged sibling’s posts, “likes,” comments and photos, whether direct or indirect (through a relative’s or mutual friend’s feed), can be like picking at scabs, preventing emotional wounds from healing and inhibiting the grieving process.

Longing for connection, even at a distance

Brothers and sisters who have experienced lengthy cutoffs often are curious to see what family members now look like, especially during the holidays, when they have time on their hands. They wonder how everyone else is celebrating this year. Social media provides a window—albeit an opaque, one‐sided one—through which to view loved ones. Though there’s no opportunity to develop these relationships, the estranged may feel some connection from observing relatives in photos or videos.

Almost inevitably, these images reinforce the painful reality that family members are physically present but psychologically absent. This phenomenon is a form of grief called “ambiguous loss.” Pauline Boss, author of Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, explains that those who mourn someone who is still alive often “fluctuate between hope and hopelessness. Suffered too long, these emotions can deaden feeling and make it impossible for people to move on with their lives.”

A platform for reconciliation — or a new battleground?

Social media becomes even darker when feuding relatives use the platforms as an additional battleground. Knowing a disowned family member is watching, some will intentionally post hurtful entries, consciously worsening hostility and hurt between themselves and their estranged sibling. Some escape this cruel game by blocking all family members from their social media accounts.

The estranged who are hoping for some sort of reconciliation via social media often are disappointed, partly because of the nature of the medium. People treat one another differently online than they might in a face‐to‐face encounter. Social media has a quality of remove; it’s less personal, and users don’t worry as much about hurting others’ feelings. Social media just isn’t conducive to in‐depth discussion, especially one that might lead to healing a troubled relationship.

Media Essential Reads

The Fog of War Through AI-Generated Images

Media Capture, Misinformation, and “Noise”

While social media can be a space where rifts spread to other family members, these platforms also may help contain the cancer of estrangement. Parents, nieces, nephews, and others caught in the crossfire may reach out privately on social media to maintain some connection, even if the estranged aren’t attending family events. For those who find their relationships becoming collateral damage to sibling estrangement, these contacts may help reduce feelings of isolation.

Susanna Garth, a Pacific Islander who grieves estrangement from her elder and only sister, understands the peril of habitually glimpsing her sister, niece and nephew via social media. Garth doesn’t understand why her sister cut her off and lived for years in hopes that things would change.

Instead, Facebook dealt her another blow. A year ago, she was shocked and hurt to discover that her sister’s husband had blocked her from his page. She then recognized that the Facebook stream of family pictures and posts had taken a terrible toll.

“I need space to grieve,” she says. “I have decided to block my sister so she can’t find my profile. Hanging on to what was is not healthy for me.”

Is social media worth the risk?

Estranged siblings must weigh carefully the perils of social media. If an estranged sibling is aggressive, it might be best to avoid these platforms as a potential battleground. But, if users can tolerate feelings of exclusion and jealousy that an estranged sibling’s posts could trigger, social media can offer a thread of a connection to that branch of the family.

Users may ask themselves:

• How hostile is my estranged sister or brother?
• Is he or she likely to lash out at me on these platforms?
• How well-adjusted am I to the estrangement?
• Can I tolerate some exposure to my sibling’s life, or will those encounters disturb my ability to accept the cutoff?

For Susanna and others who are estranged, social media may seem to offer an opportunity to recapture a sibling relationship — especially during the holidays, when feelings of loss are acute. Yet its use may keep the wound open and raw, perpetuating the turmoil and relentless sadness of mourning the living.