How to “Talk About Bruno” With Your Kids

As I discussed in a recent post on reasons why parents need to talk about Bruno with their kids, open and ongoing dialogue between parents and children about mental illness in the family is very important. The hit song (“We don’t talk about Bruno”) from the Disney movie, “Encanto,” depicts Uncle Bruno mumbling to himself and predicting the future. Bruno’s relatives find his actions to be frightening, and they avoid him, leaving Bruno quite isolated and alone.

Sadly, without clear information, children often create inaccurate and sometimes scary explanations for a parent’s illness, such as blaming themselves. As these offspring are at increased risk for developing mental health problems themselves, providing them with information in developmentally appropriate ways is vital.

There are many reasons parents may avoid these discussions, such as fear of upsetting the kids, uncertainty as to what to say, and shame. Here are some tips on preparing for the discussion, suggestions on what to say, and hints on messages to avoid.

How to Prepare

• Consider two to three key messages you want to convey in each conversation. It can be helpful to write some notes down to use during the discussion.
• Practice with a trusted adult.
• Consider having another adult present if that would be helpful. You could co-create a plan with a partner, friend, or therapist.
• Reflect on how you could manage your own emotions if you become upset. For example, if you are overwhelmed, you could do some deep breathing, take a walk, or let your kids know you’re taking a break but will return soon.
• Pick a good time, specifically when your child is not tired, hungry, grumpy, or busy with homework or activities.

What to Say

• Listen more than you talk. Again, keep to just a couple of points, and allow the discussion to go in whatever way your child leads. Let them know you are available for ongoing questions.
  • Please come to me whenever you want to talk. I want to hear your feelings and questions, and I will do my best to help you.
• Talk about other people your kids might go to when you’re really struggling emotionally and cannot be there for them
  • There may be times when I’m going through a rough spell and cannot talk, but there will always be someone to take care of you. When I’m having a difficult time, you can always talk to (fill in the blank).
• Focus on the symptoms instead of jargon or diagnoses, and compare mental illness to other health problems.
  • Remember when you had the flu and you spent lots of time on the couch? When I don’t feel well, I sleep a lot, too.
  • Sometimes I don’t go to church with the family on Sundays. I have a hard time in large groups (at the mall or the family reunion). Part of my anxiety is that I feel uncomfortable in big groups.
• Explain that you know your emotional problems affect your kids, and that you want to support them.
  • Just because I’ve missed some of your events when I was depressed doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I love you very much and try to show it in other ways.
• Emphasize it’s not their fault, and it’s not their job to try to fix you.
  • You didn’t cause me to hear voices, and you cannot make them go away. None of this is your fault.
• Explain you’re getting help, and instill hope. Recovery is real.
  • Just like Mom takes medications and meets with the dietitian for her diabetes, I take pills for my bipolar disorder. I also learn helpful skills when I meet with my counselor about dealing with my big mood swings. I’m getting better.

Source: Cottonbro Studio / Pexels

What to Avoid

• Avoid telling your child to keep this information a secret. Doing so can increase confusion, stigma, and shame. You may want to discuss what they share and with whom, as these decisions can be hard for kids, too.
• Don’t minimize their distress (“you really shouldn’t be that upset”). Belittling or shaming them can be damaging. Instead, explain it is okay to have strong feelings, encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings, and offer comfort.
• Avoid pushing your kids to talk. Some kids say very little when told important family information. They may appear not to care and may avoid conversations about the topic. Respect when this happens, as pushing them usually backfires and results in them shutting down even more. Check in once in a while, but recognize that children may manage their feelings through play, art, sports, or talking with friends.

Bottom line: You may feel anxious, it may not go “perfectly,” and your child may clam up. That’s okay. Give yourself grace, feel good about yourself for trying, and keep at it. Talking to other parents about how they talk with their kids can also be useful.