The Cost of Loneliness Among Gay Elders

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As someone who enjoys social media, I have a question... Have you ever spent hours searching through online postings and wondered what happened?

According to the 2018 AARP Loneliness and Social Connections Survey study, LGBTQ+ males are at an increased risk for chronic loneliness and commonly use technology to socialize with friends. Those participants said they spent too much time alone and engaged in more risky or unhealthy behaviors when lonely. Heterosexuals more often socialize with friends in person. Why is this a difference?

Chronically lonely adults engaged in isolated activities such as watching television or using the internet, whereas those who were not chronically lonely were more likely to seek out social activities.

What is loneliness?

The profound mental and physical consequences of loneliness are increased rates of depression and premature death.

Aloneness is a neutral state of being physically alone, which can be positive or negative, depending on the situation and your mindset (e.g., someone chooses to spend a weekend alone to enjoy quiet time).

Loneliness is a negative emotional state characterized by a sense of isolation, lack of connection, and longing for companionship, which can occur even when surrounded by people (e.g., feeling isolated and sad at a crowded party where you do not know anyone).

Three types of loneliness are described.

1. Emotional loneliness: "the absence of meaningful relationships"
2. Social loneliness: a "perceived deficit in the quality of social connections"
3. Existential loneliness: a "feeling of fundamental separateness from others and the wider world"

Social connection versus social engagement

Social engagement is the act of doing things in a physical location. For example, a friend has a monthly meet-up for coffee. This takes place at a real coffeehouse, and people show up and sit together. No one attends on their computer from home.

Coffeehouses attract single individuals and their computers. I often see people, both male and female, sitting alone at a coffee shop table in front of their laptop computer, unaware of their immediate surroundings. Are they engaged in the social environment? Not in my opinion. Maybe they prefer to sit in a crowded room rather than being alone.

What are the benefits of this experience?

Research indicates that there are mental and physical benefits of social engagement, including active cognitive stimulation and physical engagement with the environment.

The cost of loneliness can be profound. Social isolation can lead to an increased risk of dementia, stroke, and coronary heart disease. The mental and physical consequences of loneliness are often increased rates of depression and premature death. Leading predictors of loneliness include the size and diversity of one’s social network and being physically isolated.

Social isolation

Loneliness now affects half of all Americans and is an epidemic. In 2024, the Gallup Panel randomly surveyed 6,289 adults in the U.S. via the web and asked one question: Did you experience loneliness a lot of the day yesterday? Nearly 20 percent of participants said yes, the highest level in two years.

The U.S. surgeon general, Dr. Vivek Murthy, sounded the alarm in May 2023 about an American epidemic that predated COVID-19. Lack of social connection is as dangerous as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

The future for older LGBTQ Americans

Facebook has multiple groups focused on older gay men, with a staggering number, including 226,000. For example, Gay Men Over 50 has 156K members, Gay Men's Life After 60 has 48K members, and Gay Life After 60 has 19.8K members. The Shirtless Silver Daddies has 12K members, Gay Men Over 60 and Sober has 2.7K members, and The Original Prime Timers Worldwide Facebook group has 6.2K members.

Original Prime Timers Worldwide, Inc. (PTWW) is an international network of chapters for adults (21+ in the U.S. or 19+ in Canada) who self-identify as gay, bisexual, or transgender men, coming together in a supportive atmosphere to promote educational, cultural, and social activities. The PTWW network has over 70+ chapters throughout Canada and the U.S., with independent members residing in Australia, Brazil, Colombia, Denmark, Germany, Ireland, Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands, and the United Kingdom.

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During the 1980s, Woody Baldwin and Sean O’Neil, a gay couple, retired in Boston. They believed that, as older gay men, they needed a different type of experience for socializing instead of going to the Gay Bars. They moved to Austin, Texas, and founded Prime Timers, a social group for older gay men. My husband and I became early members.

We have been members of this organization in four cities. Currently, we live in New Orleans and are members of the Greater New Orleans Chapter. I am the President of our chapter, which recently celebrated its thirtieth anniversary. I feel a sense of duty and responsibility to continue our heritage and promote the chapter whenever possible.

My husband and I just returned from our first International Prime Timer Convention in Omaha, Nebraska. We met new friends and were reacquainted with previous friends. The camaraderie of the experience was rewarding and was better than we expected.

Before social media, members of the LGBTQ community met in public spaces, but often preferred the socializing that occurred in safe spaces that were in someone’s home or in designated gay bars.

The joy and satisfaction from social interaction and engagement are the traditional ways to stave off loneliness. However, social media may offer a valuable mechanism for older gay men to combat loneliness and prevent the negative aspects of profound loneliness.

If gay men prefer the Internet over face-to- face engagement, will groups that meet in person still have value? Currently, the numbers are favoring social media over face-to-face groups.